Marriage Monday - Do you have Boundaries?

So as the beautiful, filled up morning unfolds I am struck with a question. Where are the boundaries in marriage?  Are there boundaries in marriage? I believe there are. Why should there be when "the two become one"? I mean if we are truly "one" then isn't everything in our lives overlapping, shared by both?
My answer is yes and no. Yes, we have become one. We should have unlimited access in the form of trust and care and love. Because of that trust and care and love we are here to serve each other. Helping each other fully live life should be one of our top goals. Helping each other means telling the truth out of love, not always complying just to "keep him happy." But honestly helping your spouse because you love them - sometimes that includes saying no. Why are they asking you to help them with their project? Do they really need help or have they taken on too much again and they are drowning? If they are it's your job to determine how to best help them. Do you actually help them get it done while reserving a time to talk about not always saying "yes" to everything that is asked of you or do you say no, because you've talked about this several times and they need to walk through the consequences of their choices? Then think about your side. Why do you want to say "no?" Are you mad at them for getting into this "too busy" position? Are they "interrupting" your plans? Do you know how to help?

Do you have "boundaries" in your marriage? Are there things that are totally yours to take care of and things that are your spouse's? How does that work for you? Do you think there is one right way?

Marriage Monday - Growing?

Over the weekend through very stressful circumstances that were beyond our control we had a breakdown in communication. That's never good. Basically I was very tired and emotionally needy. I wanted my husband to be right beside me, even though there was really nothing he could do at the moment. I wanted him to "feel" how sad I was (and truthfully, I probably wanted him to "make it better"). Mostly I just wanted to tangibly, physically supported. Was he doing that? Overall, yes. Did he know that I wanted that, that exact moment? No, I hadn't told him.  I just wanted him to know.  


By the time he actually got to me, I had thought the thought, "Jody you didn't tell him what you wanted so how could he know." Now just thinking that did not stop me from pouting a bit BUT it did slow me down enough to be able to talk with him, pretty reasonably. (I had a very emotional weekend overall, so some tears came anyway.)  He responded with little defense, realizing that there were two sides to every story. He told me a bit more about what kept him from me then we moved on to how can we avoid this in the future. Guess what? It's all about honest communication. I had not clearly told him what I wanted or needed. He assumed because I knew where he was I was okay with it. We set a goal to be clear about what we expect, especially in emotional situations.  End result? We're fine and actually, we both feel pretty good about the way we handled this. In the past, I would have stuffed my hurt and discontent with his actions and eventually it would have "exploded" all over both of us causing much more difficulty.
I think we've "grown up a bit."  How about you? Do you see signs of growing in your relationship?

How Healthy are Your Parents?

Dad "supervising"

So recently I opened the door to talk about the season of life where we, as adult children, become intimately involved in caring for our parents. I had no idea last week that the changes would come so fast. I spent last Saturday at my parents home. We "spring cleaned" my parents closet and dresser. I've said several times since then "who knew my Mom was such a clothes horse?" Okay, so I did know she loved shopping and clothes but I hadn't realized what she had accumulated!  Shoes too! I should have taken photos, it might have helped my case next time I want to go shopping.  Anyway, I brought a chair in and had Mom sit there just outside the closet so I could try her shoes on her and figure out what she really needed. I called her Cinderella and we laughed together.  She was soon distracted by the jewelry sitting on her dresser next to her. That's where she spent the rest of the afternoon, sorting jewelry. Meanwhile I sorted and cleaned the closet.  By the time we got through that project it was time for supper. As I cooked I took the junk mail out of the spice drawer and threw it away. I found yeast dated 2005 in the cupboard with some seasoning I was going to use. It was then that I realized that my mother's mind and been disintegrating for longer than I had imagined.  As I shared, in the beginning we didn't know if it was hearing loss or loss of mental capacity. Nobody really wanted to say anything. It might offend someone. We did the best we could once we made up our mind that it needed to be looked into. Dad was actually relieved to have someone help him care for Mom.

I would encourage you if you are an adult child with questions regarding your parent's health to ask them. It can be done. One way to approach it is to tell them that you love them and you want them to have the best quality of life for as long as possible. In order to do that we need to be as pro-active or preventative as we can be. So annual check ups, hearing exams, exercise and good eating habits are top of the list. How can you encourage them in these things? One way is to be an example. Another is to ask them about it, talk about these things and the time to start is now! Start while your parents are young enough to do something about their habits.  In America we over-indulge ourselves daily. Our portions of food are too big. We finish something and we treat ourselves to a big dessert. We sit too long in front of the TV. And the biggest over-indulgence in my book is we try to cram too much into one day, every day. Who says we have to do "everything"? Start building that "healthy" relationship with your parents today!

Are you aware of your parents health challenges? How have you learned to talk about them? This is something the majority of us will face in our life time. Let's talk about it.

Seasons of Life - When Your Parents Need Help

So today I broach a common topic "parenting parents" some call it. I just know it's a new season of life. I've actually been in this season for some time now but it has come gradually. Well to be completely honest, I don't know that it has come gradually - I've only allowed it to come gradually. It is a sensitive topic as everyone's relationship with their parents are different so there is no "cookie cutter" approach. However, as I continue through this season and talk with others I am realizing there is a lot of things that are very common. So I'm hoping to open up a safe place to talk, to ask questions  and hopefully share information.

Our journey began about 6 years ago when my family began to question whether Mom was really losing her hearing or if "something else was going on." One day at a graduation reception I ran into a good friend of my parents. She visited a bit and then very cautiously, kindly said, "Jody have you talked with your Dad? We've noticed a lot of changes in your Mom?"  That was just what I needed to hear. I talked with my brother and then with Dad. We decided to take her to a doctor that specializes in in health care for Seniors.  He did an evaluation and then recommended an appointment with a neuro-psychologist to help us determine where we were at with things.  My Mom has Restless Leg Syndrome and has doctored everywhere within a driving distance of her home. She took these appointments as more opportunity to talk about her legs. We explained it was a "full physical". She focused on her legs. She was started on medication for Alzheimer's Disease. Two drugs to "slow the progression." She was also given more advice on Restless Legs Syndrome. That made her happy, even though it didn't help much.

Fast forward to today. We're leaving in a couple hours to head to their house. Mom has continued to decline mentally, which is now causing "spells" physically. Dad is doing a great job of taking care of Mom but he is so anxious about everything that I believe it will ruin his health. They don't "qualify" for Medicare assistance in the home. Dad has chosen to pay for help once a week so he knows that he can get away for a couple of hours every week. Today we officially begin to "spring clean" the closets as a start of going through the whole house. I believe Mom will be moving to a local nursing home soon, as soon as Dad is ready. There are and have been so many questions along the way. When do you offer your opinion? Or when do you say, if ever, this is what we need to do?  How do you know what services are available in your area?  How do you talk with your parents about end of life decisions and finances etc.  My Dad has always been very private about all of these things. I give him great credit that he has chosen to ask for help in the last few years and we are learning together.  I know it doesn't always work that way.  I met with a step-daughter and mother duo at work last week. The mother was not cooperative at all. The step-daughter really believes her parents are in need of assistance. They are missing medications and meals by her observation.

Ephesians 6 reminds us that we are to honor our parents. Let's share information in order to encourage each other to do this as we walk through this season. I am taking this approach, "Dad, I've never done this before but we will figure it out together."  The Lord gave me those words when our son-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and we were wanting to support them. It is the truth and it helped us there so I'm using the same theory now. How have you approached your parents when difficult decisions need to be made?

Marriage is a Good Thing

As I launched into another day I read a discouraging statistic. According to a recent Pew Study www.pewsocialtrends.org  anywhere from 32-44% of our population believe marriage is becoming obsolete. That just makes me sad. Why? While I am fully aware of other statistics like since 1960 the number of cohabitating couples has increased fifteen-fold in the United States. www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/(December 2010) I do not believe we need to just sit around and say that is just the way it is in our nation.  I’m not here to judge where, exactly when, or why we are where we are. I do not believe being single is a bad thing. I am here to say that if you choose to have a relationship I can testify that life-long marriage is a good thing. Yes, I am a Christian and my values are based on the Bible as I believe it is the Word of God. But don’t let that stop you from reading what I have observed and experienced.

I am a stronger, more well-rounded person because I am married. My husband and I do not think alike on all fronts. We have different styles of doing things. He appreciates things that I really have very little interest in. Because I married him and have stayed with him for over 30 years now I have traveled places, met people, and been exposed to businesses that I would not have if I had stayed single. I have learned to share space and possessions which has helped me share with those less fortunate than me over the years. I have learned to laugh at spontaneous songs and take care of myself by exercising because of his example. I have had someone to share my love of our children as well as other children with over the years. He has encouraged me to be open to new experiences. I can be quoted as saying because I married Mark I have experienced “higher highs and lower lows than I ever would have had I remained single.”  It is a true statement I’m sure as I was raised in a very reserved emotional environment but that has not been true of our home. We laugh hard, cry hard, get excited about lots of things and get angry over injustice. We are very verbal!

My co-workers are predominately female and 50% are single. All but one of these single women have children. None of them have been married. All of them are great people. I enjoy them. They are intelligent, kind, and hard working. I have nothing negative to say of them. I just feel bad for them. They are always trying to figure out how to have a “social life” and how to make sure they have money for the next bill. They don’t have a consistent person to talk things over with, help them make decisions, support them in their quest to better themselves, or suggest new things to try. In fact a couple of them are struggling with their self-esteem due to the lack of respect their ex-partner showed them.

I believe marriage is a relationship to help us mature, building character. It helps us not stay stuck in who we think we are but forces us into exploring new ways of thinking and situations. The end result is we are better educated and less selfish. We make the world around us better. I could give you all of the Biblical reasons I believe in marriage and there are many, but for today I just want to concentrate on my observations from life and facts others have gathered. As I said I do not believe everyone has to get married. However, if you do marry, I believe staying married is better than divorce with a few exceptions. I say that as a daughter of a divorced mother who remarried, the sister of a twice divorced sibling and one of my best friends has been married 3 times. I am well acquainted with divorce and genuinely love many divorced people.

I’ll finish with a few statistics, non-emotional facts.
Over 25% of divorced women end up in poverty following their divorce. The average cost for a divorce is $30,000.00
Increased taxpayer expenditures associated with divorce and unwed childbearing include anti-poverty, criminal justice programs, costs for welfare subsidies, additional child support collection costs, foster care and child protection services, health insurance costs and education programs.
Parental divorce increases the odds that adult children will also divorce.
Both men and women who are married enjoy better health on average than do single, cohabitating, or divorced individuals. (My personal opinion is that is tied directly to stress levels.)
Cohabitating before marriage does not increase your chance of staying together, in fact you are more likely to get a divorce.
80-90% of married couples who stay together do so because they have fun together. So if you are married, enjoy it!

Being and staying married isn’t always easy but it is simple. You have to make a choice to be married for life. In my experience it has enriched my life greatly. What do you think? Let’s talk.

As I look back over my blog posting list I find I've been a bit delinquent since the Holidays. I apologize.  Many great things going on in our house.  We enjoyed the holidays over a very spread out schedule.  We are spending more time with our parents due to the good old "aging process" they both could use a bit of help and encouragement. Although I must say at the moment my parents are more needy. I was asked to take a little more responsibility at work and that requires a bit more than my half-time so I've been going to work early or staying a bit late.  I am taking a class via the internet that will last through the first week in February and Mark has been busy with end of the year accounting for his business and our personal bookwork. To top all of that off we have a couple of events in the next two months and it's time to prayerfully prepare for those as well.

With that in mind I realized that Valentines Day will be over a month from now. As married couples it seems that this little holiday sneaks up on us much more so than when we were dating. Why so? Could it be that you are busy with the kids? Could it be that money is tight? Could it be that you just couldn't imagine how to fit one more thing in the month of February or do you just not have any good ideas?  Well I want to encourage you!  There are alot of great, simple ideas "out there".  It can be but does not have to be fancy but especially if you have kids at home it will require a little planning. So start now!

Here's a few ideas:
Write a love letter! No really, do it. Tell your spouse what you love about them or your first memory of them or something you noticed last week but didn't get to say because it was time for the basketball game.  Need more help? Go to  http://www.onemillionloveletters.com/index.php

Research proves that dating your spouse at least once a month significantly improves your relationship.  Give your spouse the gift of time.  Make a gift certificate for one date per month for the next year. Plan dinner for Valentines day. Tell your spouse that mean so much to you that you are committed to at least one date per month for the next year.  I suggest that you take your calendars and mark date night once a month for at least the next 4 months if not the whole year. Do not let ANYTHING budge in on that time unless it's a matter of life and death.  Your marriage is important!

Go to a marriage retreat.  In Iowa Okoboji Lutheran Bible Camp has one every year around Valentines Day.  You can find out about it at http://www.okoboji.org
Family Life Today sponsors "A Weekend to Remember" http://www.weekendtoremember.com
 In the Des Moines Area Point of Grace Church will be hosting a Friday night/Saturday time the weekend before Valentines Day.  You can find out more about that at http://www.pointofgrace.com
Mark and I will be helping to lead that one on Saturday. Come and join us!   Okay, so now I'm stuck in Italics mode but I've got to go for today.  If you have other Valentine ideas please share them by leaving a comment. Sometimes we just need one idea to get our own ideas flowing!
 
 

Putting the Christmas Crazies to Rest

As I sit here on a beautiful Saturday morning 1 week before Christmas I want to encourage you.  No, I want to CHALLENGE you to put the Christmas Crazies to rest.  STOP for 5 minutes, just 5 minutes.  Take a deep breath and say this prayer with me. Lord, show me how to celebrate your birthday with my family and friends. Amen. Now grab a piece of paper and a pencil if necessary to write down what really has to happen in the next week. Having been married for 30 years and having grown kids I've been through this a few more times than some of you. Looking back this week the times I am remembering are the simple times. So let me make some suggestions for you to think about as you make your holiday choices.
1. This season is about celebrating the birth of Christ so talk about that with your family. I had a book that had simple family friendly ideas for the whole month of December. It even suggested when to do your holiday baking etc so you didn't forget things. Maybe you could use a book to help you. If it's too late for this year shop at your local Christian bookstore after Christmas for next year!

2. I remember turning down the regular lights to better enjoy the Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate after the kids were in bed to calm down and do a little Christmas time reflection.

3. Making Christmas cookies with the kids involved was a must. Yep, it's a mess, but then I'm a mess in the kitchen no matter what so who cares?  One year I even made them matching aprons.  We made "gingerbread houses" out of graham crackers more than one year.  As they got older we made real gingerbread houses. Frosting cut out cookies is always way more fun when you do it together.

4. Gifts - DO NOT LET THIS STRESS YOU OUT OR CAUSE YOU TO GO INTO DEBT. For our family we kept it pretty simple but fun. We always gave the kids a book to encourage reading and an item of clothing that they actually needed. (It's way more fun to get something wrapped up and unwrap it as a surprise than it is to go buy new pj's) Then we'd get them a couple of fun presents. One of the Christmas' we all remember the most we collected big boxes for a week or two before Christmas. Then we made them do a treasure hunt which led to the basement play room full of big boxes.  It was March before those boxes were all gone. They made a maze, a train, forts and that's not all but it's all I can remember right now. Another trick is wrap EVERYTHING. You know, the batteries separate from the game. The pj top separate from the bottoms - everything! It draws out the unwrapping and can make for a lot of laughter.  Several years we gave each of the kids two homemade gift certificates to stop at a toy store on the way to Grandma's Christmas Eve day and pick out their own new toys.  Sounds dangerous but we learned that they had far simpler taste than we did.  We did tell them that we had $ limits but never were burdened with it. This was a huge help to our budget! AND the shopping was a big part of the gift. Just being allowed to look at all the possibilities in the store and then pick out what they wanted. (Note to grown ups, you can not rush this process. Be patient. That is your biggest gift to them. Let them enjoy it.)

5. Go caroling somewhere and don't forget to watch for all the fun Christmas lights in your town as you go.

Done.  See I don't remember fancy dinners and just the "perfect" outfit for me or for our kids. Parties bigger than the neighbors or gifts for everyone at work or on the block. I remember smiles and giggles and being together with the kids. (and extended family) My husband's family all crowd into his parent's too small for all of us house and play card games and eat snacks after the kids open their presents. We love it! Being together celebrating the birth of Christ is what it is all about. Keep it simple.

For some great ideas for the Christmas school break time why don't you visit my friend, Cindy's blog http://cindybultema.blogspot.com/2011/12/surviving-thriving-on-christmas.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ReflectionsOfHisBeauty+%28She+Sparkles%29

Unthinkable Circumstances - Faith and Perspective

When you are in the midst of your life's circumstance - whatever that may be - crisis, celebration or the mundane it is often hard to not have tunnel vision.  We often get so wrapped up in "me" that we miss much of life. There are times when we need to focus, concentrate and just do what is in front of us but I've come to believe that even in those times we need to share with a trusted family member or friend that that is what we are doing. Then we need to ask them to help us not stay isolated beyond the immediate need.  We also need those people to remind us that God is in control and we are not.

As we journey through discussing life and unthinkable circumstances I've asked some people I know to share. I will post those thoughts as I receive them. I believe our stories of life are important lessons that we all can learn from. Here is the current thought on faith through unthinkable circumstances from my daughter.  http://www.lifelovegreen.com/2011/11/when-i-lay-my-isaac-down-ch-6

I'd really love to hear from you. The people who were present Wednesday night at our group are stronger today because of two women sharing parts of their story of God walking them through (not around) some tough circumstances.  My daughter and I are sharing lessons we continue to learn after the main crisis of our life thus far has past.  Now I'm beginning to share lessons I'm learning while watching my father take care of my mother with Alzheimer's Disease, something he never dreamed of doing.  What are you learning?

Standing On the Promises of God

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him," Nahum 1:7  

Those are the words I heard Friday afternoon from my mom's mouth.  Now admittedly this time she stumbled a bit on the final words but those are the words I have heard come from her mouth many times in the last few years.  I first noticed it neatly written on an index card and tacked to the bulletin board above her kitchen sink a long time ago.  No frills, no big deal. It was just there in the center with the appointment reminder cards and missionary prayer cards all around it.  I noticed but I didn't think too much about it. Now I'm thinking that I am so glad Mom took the time to memorize that verse.  She needs to really know that truth deep down in her heart and I believe she does. Like most all of us she has seen her share of "trouble" in this world. Her mom died when she was 11 and Grandpa didn't remarry until she was an adult. She married young the first time and that marriage did not last. The pain of adultery and "shame" (her word, not mine) of being the first divorced person in her immediate family was hard. But Mom has known for most of her life that God is with her each day, walking her through whatever comes her way.  She needs that now more than ever.

Friday afternoon when I heard those words Mom was lying in a hospital bed. To our knowledge nothing "life threatening" was going on but she collapsed twice in the previous two days. The second time she was definitely unconscious for a bit so the ambulance came and took her to the local hospital to get checked out.  The biggest problem is my mom has Alzheimer's Disease.  She is not completely "gone." She has moments of lucid thinking. She still recognizes all of us in the immediate family and remembers her siblings etc.  The thing about people with Alzheimer's (and many other forms of dementia) is that when they are taken out of their normal surroundings they typically become very confused and/or frightened.  I witnessed both as I sat with Mom at the hospital more vividly than I ever have.  She knew me when we got there a few hours after they had arrived at the hospital. She was pleased I was there which allowed my husband to go with my Dad to get him something to eat and pick up Mom's medicine.  In amongst the time alone with her she asked me repeatedly where she was and told me she was sure she could go home.  When I would explain that she had collapsed not once, but twice and we were trying to figure out why she would just shake her head or shrug her shoulders with a very puzzled look on her face. She would then resign herself to what I told her for a few minutes and then we would start all over. Out of the blue in the middle of the afternoon she quote Nahum 1:7.  I believe that even though physically she is at a state that most of what she knows is just trapped somewhere in her brain her spirit knows God. I believe her spirit connects with The Holy Spirit of God. That's important because Scripture promises us that He will help us in our time of need. Mom needs the security of God caring for her when she doesn't understand what is going on around her.  Besides that, it was also comforting for me to know that she had that piece of truth embedded deep in her heart.

I had never seen my Mom quite so frightened/panicked.  She depends on my father for everything and he has risen to the challenge of caring for the woman he loves even as he watches her disappear before his eyes. I am witnessing love "in sickness and in health." He continues to very respectfully speak to her and about her. He does not want to "worry" her about anything. This time both he and I had to speak calmly but very firmly that she needed"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him," Nahum 1:7  
My Dad is living with this truth in his heart as well.  Again, I was comforted knowing he is trusting in our Lord to get us through this season of life.

This weekend has taught me alot and reminded me of the importance of memorizing scripture.  We need God's word in our heart and mind to guide us when nothing else can.  I have a friend who started a blog to encourage her friends to memorize scripture. We all share what verse(s) we are working on twice a month. I think it's time I take this a bit more seriously. What about you?  Have you ever witnessed someone knowing just the right passage of scripture when they needed it? 

Wellness Wednesday - Healthier Eating

7 Steps to Healthier Eating 

Is mealtime frustrating at your house? Well, it doesn't have to be. By initiating these few tips you can build your relationship with God and your family, spend quality time together, eat healthier, save money and maybe even lose some weight.

1. Eat together as a family. Take time every day to eat together at the table. Give everyone an opportunity to bond and connect. Spend a few minutes sharing information and news of the day. Spend time modeling good table manners and teaching new social skills. Strive to eat together as a family at least 4 or more times a week. Research indicates that teenagers of families who eat more meals together are 3 times less likely to try marijuana, 2.5 times less likely to smoke cigarettes and 1.5 times less likely to try alcohol. Eating more meals together also helps kids improve their grades and gives them a more positive outlook. 

2. Pray for the food God provides. Praying is a privilege and thanking God in prayer for your food reminds your family that He is the source of everything you have, including your food. Prayers of thanksgiving help your family to be good witnesses to Christians and non-Christians alike. When you go to a restaurant, tell the server that you are going to pray for your meal and ask him/her if there is anything you can pray for them. You will be a powerful witness and may be surprised at the types of prayer requests you receive. (Just remember to leave a generous tip.) 

3. Chew your way to better health. The more you chew your food, the easier it is for it to be digested. Chewing your food well helps your body distribute the nutrients from your food throughout your body. It also tricks your mind into thinking you are full thus you may eat less and lose weight. Chewing well may also prevent gastric illnesses such as acid reflux or IBS. 

4. Dine in a relaxed environment. Reduce stress by getting everyone involved in meal planning and preparation so no one person is totally responsible for the meal. Create fun games, tell stories and be humorous at mealtime. Focus on each other's accomplishments and celebrate them. 

5. Eat mindfully. Turn off the television, music, cell phones and computers. Use the freshest whole foods possible and savor each bite. Be aware of your surroundings in mind, body and spirit. Reduce your expectations and keep things simple. 

6. Prepare and eat more meals at home. Eating out costs 2 to 4 times more money than eating at home. You also have more control over portion size and types of food, consequently making healthier choices. 

7. Be creative at mealtime. Use smaller plates and bowls to control portion sizes. Vary your table linens and decorations. Play fruit basket upset and switch places with family members at the table.  

Enjoy life-long memories and experience good health by creating a fun and relaxing atmosphere to enjoy your food and family.

Shari Hudson is a professional organizer and owner of Organized by Design in West Des Moines, IA. She is currently enrolled in the Global College of Natural Medicine studying holistic health and nutrition.

A Couple of Keys to Communication

As I continue to ponder and experienced the quagmire of communication both at home and at work there are a couple of truths that have risen to the top of the heap for me.

1.  You've got to do it. You can't avoid it forever. You can't always eat in front of the TV or have "work" to do right up until bedtime.  Texting I love you won't cut it as the only "communication" 2 or more days in a row.  You need to take time to talk to those in your immediate family (the ones who live in your home) daily.  It's best if this can be done before you are half asleep and not while you are "zipping" through your favorite show via the wonders of DVR.  A really "novel" idea would be to eat supper together and talk about your day! Or Gary and Barb Rosberg of America's Family Coaches call it "Two Chair Time". You set aside 20 minutes to talk without phones or the TV or the kids. Touch base on what's going on and then go on with your day. (I can hear you saying I don't have 20 minutes to spare. You'd be surprised how much time you save if you actually talk and know what's going on  around you and what is on the calendar before it actually happens!)

2. Here's the other thing. We need to really listen to one another. My husband and I have a bad habit of jumping in on each others thoughts. Sometimes we're right - we know where they are going. But lots of times we just think we know what they are trying to say.  When you are the listener that is your entire job - listening.(period) Don't jump ahead to the "solution" or to your own defense, just listen. It sounds so simple as I write it here. However real life proves differently. Often we listen with our own agenda. I'll listen to him because then he'll have to listen to me. Or  I listen for a minute and then I'm mentally preparing my rebuttal and I miss all the rest of what he said. Really listening is harder than it sounds. I'm convinced it's caused by a couple of things: we are always looking out for ourselves and we're in too big of a hurry.

So today let's try to really listen to the people around us.  Seriously spend one day actively listening to the people in your world. Listen to understand what they are saying. If you don't understand then ask questions until you do! I'd love to hear your thoughts after you have had a day of listening. Share them with us and encourage someone else to give it a try!

Communication - The Name of the Game

Communication really is "the name of the game."  You can't have a relationship with anyone if you don't communicate. I'm a little afraid of what cell phones and texting is doing to our ability to communicate. We are living in a world that expects everything instantly and conveniently.  If I want to tell you something I can e-mail it or text so as not to "interrupt" your day but not forget to tell you. However there is no real discussion. No seeing the other persons body language or hear the inflection in their voice. We can't see or hear those extra pieces of your communication that sometimes say way more than your words do.

You would think that after 30 years of marriage we would have communication figured out between the two of us. But this weekend we proved again that communication is something you just have to keep working at.  If you put your arms out in front of you. Imagine your hands as communication arrows. Now bend your arms at the elbow so your hands cross over one on top of the other one, but your arms do not touch each other. Now you have our scenario Saturday. One hand of communication is me and one is my husband.  We both talked and we both listened but we didn't "communicate."  We didn't really listen beyond the surface.  We certainly did not ask questions to clarify what the other was really meaning. We just assumed.  Plans got messed up and we were both frustrated and a little hurt.
AFTER the plans for the day were done (not in their original form) we talked. Late is better than not talking at all. It was really a very simple mis-understaning but we had to listen to one another setting our own agenda aside while the other person was talking.  I had to ask him what he really wanted to do and why versus just assuming I understood.  I also needed to let him know when he says things to me I really do listen and I make plans around what he tells me he is working on or wants to do. That means if he changes his mind or something comes up he needs to let me know that as well.

We (my husband and I) have the awesome privilege of having parents who have both been married 40 years, having been married 30 years ourselves, being in a small group of married couples who purposefully study marriage relationship stuff  and working with Marriage Matters which gives us opportunities to meet many other married couples. So as I said earlier you would think we should have this communication thing down pat, but we don't. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship, any relationship. You should never quit working on it. Do you struggle with good communication? What are some things that have helped you have clear communication?

Prayer

I'm sure you pray for your spouse and family.  I know I do. Like today, I know that my daughter is out of town alone. So I'm praying for safety amongst other things. My daughter-in-law has been working a good "temp" job for months now.  She would like to be hired by the company. I'm praying God's will be done and of course mentioning that we think this seems like a good place to work for her. (smile) Over this past weekend while my husband was gone with a friend ministering to men in NW Iowa I prayed repeatedly for their obedience to God's promptings, for protection and peace and the list went on and on.But do you pray for your husband just because he is someone you love and care about? Do you thank God for him on a daily basis? Men, don't tune out here - we women would love you to be praying for us on a daily basis.

Years ago someone introduced me to Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife. This paperback book is tattered, torn and spilled on but most days of the week I pray for my husband using this as a prompt or a focus. There are 30 chapters - one for each day of the week, all of them ending with a prayer based on scripture.  I don't read the whole chapter any more but I do use the prayers to help me focus on different aspects of Mark's life instead of just asking for strength and healing of his aching knees every day!  This month a group of women agreed to pray for their husbands daily. It's not too late for you to join us. If you'd like some suggestions you can go to http://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/31-days-of-praying-for-your-husband/
There is a book for husbands regarding praying for your wife by the Omartians too. You are not off the hook guys!

I truly believe this is the single most healthy thing I have done for my marriage. If you read my last post you know that our life is as normal as yours. It has ups and downs and all the places in-between. However, as we learn to trust God with our lives He orchestrates them into a beautiful work of music. It's not just a song of unison but it is filled with wonderful harmonies. Pray for your spouse today and ask God to help you hear the music He is creating.

Seven Years Later

Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God's love is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously, working out his wonderful plan of love. -- Eric Liddell

Today is a significant day in our life. Not to say every day isn't important, they are. But today seems really special to me.  In the Scriptures the number 7 signifies completion.  7 1/2 years ago, January 2004 I started a new journal that Mark gave me as a Christmas present. Part of the first entry reads like this:
It's been a contemplative year of change. (We became "empty-nesters".) New Years's Eve was spent at the Expo Center in Spirit Lake with many friends and all 3 of our kids. Our entire family worshipped publicly. Seth and Amber standing right next to Mark and Mark Hoftyzer taking photos. It brought tears to my eyes. After briefly reviewing some mental struggles over our perception of what was expected of Mark at work. I go on to say this. I believe I need to grow my faith by depending on God to take care of my family (Mark in particular). I'm always striving to come up with a plan to make life "better" - more peaceful - less frustration. I'm realizing I was trying too hard, too much. I need to trust God.  I have choosen the following prayer as a "theme" prayer for my family for 2004.  The following prayer was adapted from one of the Prayers That Avail Much  books by Word Ministries, Inc. These prayers are all based on Scripture.
Thank you that before we were even born You knew us & had a plan for our lives. You have placed Your anointing upon our lives. I'm asking You to burn Your call into our hearts. Let it be a fire shut up in our bones so we cannot hold it in.  I pray a hedge of protection over my family so that no man, woman, or enemy will squelch what You have in store for us. You are equipping us with all things that pertain to life and godliness so that we have an abundance for every good deed. Confirm Your call on our lives by Your Holy Spirit and make our paths like the first gleam of dawn shining ever brighter as we follow our callings. Let multitudes of lives be touched by Your anointing which is flowing through us. When we enter Your kingdom You will say, "well done good and faithful servant." 
January 13, 2004 I write, As I read this (my journal) I feel confirmation that it is true. I'd have to admit I work to fix everything. God help me to trust. Help me to learn Your word and trust You to handle my family...

Little did I know that a month later we would receive a phone call from our brother-in-law telling us that our sister had tried to kill herself. He called asking what to do. They have 5 children. That began years of our extended family walking an unknown path of learning to trust and heal. I couldn't fix this. 

Then 4 months later our son-in-law (age 21) began seeing double which led us down a path of discovering Thymic Carcinoid Carcinoma, an incurable cancer. I couldn't fix this.

 And within a month of the diagnosis my beloved husband crashed, physically, mentally and emotionally. I couldn't fix this either. Over the course of 2004 everything in our life changed, except God.

By September 16th, 2004  (seven years ago today) my sister-in-law was struggling with depression and an unhealthy marriage but she was dealing with it. Our son-in-law was finding as much medical help as was offered and moving to the Twin Cities for a new job he thought he could do longer "if he got really sick".  And Mark, my husband had survived a month of being completely incapacitated, recognized his need for help and was willing to receive it. We were packing our bags and on September 17th left for Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado. An intensive counseling time for couples in ministry. (Finding that place and getting to go is a God-story all of it's own)

Fast forward to today, 7 years later. I'm helping Mark pack again. This time it's for a return trip to the place we lived at the time of "the crash".  7 years to the day later of a tangible step of faith towards healing Mark will be ministering to men in a way he did not do prior to the crash. He will be completely transparent with them. How or Why? Because God has taught him that keeping secrets makes you sick and hurts all those around you.

What about me? I could never have imagined how God was going to teach me to really trust Him with my family. It was a painful, scary at times journey. It has been simple, trust God. But I didn't say it's been easy. It has not. We are all much healthier now. I "fix" less and "trust" more. I don't do it perfectly nor will I till I meet Jesus face to face. I live enjoying the moments more and I'm learning that's a great way to live! I'm here 7 years later to testify to God's faithfulness in loving and protecting my family through some pretty tough times.  This week I begin leading a Bible Study called "When I Lay My Issac Down" by Carol Kent. It's all about trusting God through "unthinkable circumstances." I couldn't have done this 7 years ago.
I'm also here declaring this particular season of brokeness and healing COMPLETE.  How good is our God who seven years later will call us to share our life with others so that Lord willing they can learn from God's word and our experiences. Will you join me in praising God for all that He has done and pray that the men Mark will be sharing with will receive whatever God has for them?

One Good Thing

It's Monday, a holiday Monday which means many of us have the day off.  We're planning to spend the day helping our parents with a couple of "fix-it" projects around their homes.  At this stage of life spending time with our parents is a great reminder of what marriage and love really is.


So many days I catch myself being critical or just having a selfish attitude as I go through my day at home. When my husband asks me to help him by bringing him something I think about how it is an interruption in whatever I'm doing. Or I catch myself thinking why can't he__________ (fill in the blank with your favorite (or should I say least favorite) task)?

Marriage isn't about who does what. It's about your relationship. Sure in your relationship you each have things you may be responsible for but the motivation is your love, your relationship. If it's not, it's time for an attitude adjustment.  This month I've joined a group of women on-line. We are choosing to honor our husbands by telling them one something we appreciate about them everyday. Look for it. Recognize it. Thank God for it.  Guys, this doesn't need to exclude you. You can do the same thing for your wife.  It's amazing what being purposeful about this can do for your attitude!

I think about this today because I know that the daily-ness of parents caring for each other as they age is more often than not, not fun. We are so honored to have parents who truly love one another.  Our fathers both care for our mothers with such respect. It's a great example to us.

So do you want to join the challenge?  You will be alot more committed to it if you tell someone you are doing it. Why don't you tell me?  Leave a comment letting me know you've joined us on the month of September "at least one good thing" a day challenge.

The Challenge

Okay, so I spent the day with my husband. We went to the State Fair and had a great time meandering around checking things out. I thought this would be a great place to learn something new about him. It was harder than I thought.  I will say that I learned again how thorough he likes to be. (smile) Walking through one of the buildings with all of the random booths trying to sell you something - I could skip around, pick and choose. Not him, he likes to walk through in an organized fashion, up and down the isles against the traffic. (less crowded?)  I was also reminded how much of a maven he is. A maven is a collector of information on any and all topics. This makes him a great conversationalist. He can talk to almost anybody!  Lastly I was amazed at how he likes to know ALL about the things he worked with. We looked at every dealer who carried some kind of mower whether it was a type he could actually use or not. He compared what they are made of, what kind of engine, safety features, sizes - well just everything!  The great thing is he stores away this knowledge and can often fix something when it's broken or worn out and often invents his own way of doing it.

What did you learn? Was it easy or did you, like me find it difficult to learn something "new"?  I'd like to think it was hard for me because I know my husband pretty well, but I don't want to get lazy and miss something important!

A Challenge for Today!

Okay, so I'm challenging you today to observe, listen, study, watch someone you care about and try to learn one new thing about them.  Share what you learn tomorrow.  It doesn't matter what day you read this, that day is your TODAY!

I'm taking the challenge and I guarantee it will be worth the effort! In fact it could be just plain fun!

How to Stay Committed to Your Relationships

So this thing called covenant relationship is kind of "sticky" at best.  It's easy as long as your partner is nice, cooperative and agrees with you but we all know that doesn't happen all the time even in the best of friendships. I love my husband. We are friends. We laugh at alot of the same stupid things. We are easily entertained. We both think our kids are the best. However when we're cleaning the storage room and he's packing the boxes in so tight you can't get your fingers between them because "it makes the best use of space" he drives me crazy!  Should I abandon him at that point? Of course not, but what about when the issue is more important. What about when you feel you are not being valued or have been betrayed? Then is it okay?
That's not how God does it. God sticks with us even when we don't stick with Him. God loves us even when we don't speak up when someone at work is harming others by not doing their job properly. He loves us even when we lose our temper and say hurtful things to our kids or spouse. He hangs in there and continues to communicate with us. He does that because He loves us and He knows us inside and out. He knows what He created us to be.  I believe it's alot about really knowing those you are committed to. Granted we don't need to know those we only work with as well as our own family members but we do need to know them within the context of work.
Think about this a bit. Who is it easy to defend and/or forgive in your life?  Chances are good it's those you know and care about the most. I'm challenging you to get to know those you are committed to even better. I believe all relationships are life long learning situations. People do not stay the same. We all have seasons in our lives which change some of our perspectives. We need to study those we love so we are aware when they change. These changes effect our relationships.  We recently taught a class on the marriage relationship.  Several couples had been married more than 40 years.  I was so encouraged that they still wanted to learn and grow in their relationship.  One couple said we "want to learn to have more fun in our relationship."  Isn't that great! We are NEVER too old to learn or to love.
God's love for us is "new every morning. Great is His faithfulness." That's our example for our relationships.  Have a great day studying and loving those around you!

New Every Morning

So I've been mulling over a life lesson. Years ago when our son was in 4th grade we moved across the state leaving his two best friends behind. He had a tough start at his new school as he became pretty sick the week we moved in. Honestly he missed more school than he went to that first month in the depths of winter in Iowa. He had a bad respiratory infection but I believe it was greatly induced by his aching heart. His teacher was very kind and he met other kids quickly but he just wasn't his usual self. One of his old friends got to come to visit for his birthday about 2 months after we moved. That was a great weekend. Sometime after that when He was home from school, sick again I found him just sobbing.  I held him close and asked what hurt, with no response. After some time had passed, more questions and finally the sobbing slowed to just tears He told me he had met some new friends. He was so upset because he believed if he made new friends he would have to let go of the old friends. I assured him that that was not how friendship worked. While you may only be able to have a very few "best" friends, you can have lots of friends with love for all of them. They probably fit in different places in your life.

 Great lesson for life. I've thought of that scene often in the past few years of my life. Life moved us again 6 years ago from a place we had lived for 10 years. Great friends. Great ministry. Great memories. Life. But life goes on and new memories are made. Yesterday was our first son-in-law's birthday. Cancer took him from all of us way too soon. Honestly, I miss him and all of his quirky, sly looks. But just as in our son's life, we are blessed to have new friends AND a new son-in-law. We love them all - the old and the new.  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness  Lamentations 3:23

Valentines Day is Over

So you have chocolate in the house because if you didn't get it FOR valentines day you can buy it cheap now! :) Life has moved on. That extra time spent thinking how you can do something nice for your spouse has passed. Why?  Okay, so maybe we can't or shouldn't spend huge amounts of time, energy and money planning extravagant surprises for our spouse but I believe the studying your spouse never stops. 

What I'm thinking is this:  I wouldn't want my husband to treat me the exact same way he did when we got married 29 1/2 years ago. Really, I wouldn't.  I am not exactly the same person. While my core is the same I've grown up in lots of ways. We've experienced life together, children, divorces of friends and family, moving and making new friends, death of loved ones, health issues, the list could go on and on.  If he would treat me the way he did 29 years ago there are many times it wouldn't "fit" me anymore.  Who wants to be "stuck" in old ways? NOT ME! (smile) 

However, we are only responsible for our own actions so think about it. Are you treating your spouse the same old way you always have? Or are you observing his/her changes?  Are they more patient now? Do they help more with daily chores? Do they answer when you call more consistently? Do they make the bed now? Do they ask you before they make plans that include you?

Valentines day may be over for this year but don't let that stop you from studying your mate. Getting stuck in an old rut is no fun and doesn't allow for growth.  Look for that growth.  When you see it, don't keep it to yourself. Make note of it and be sure to tell your loved one that you noticed!  Watch them stand up a little straighter and smile a little more. After all we all like being praised.