Welllness Wednesday - Relationships and Wellness

It's Wellness Wednesday AND it's our 31st wedding anniversary. When I speak of wellness these days I'm thinking of what I call wholeness. It encompasses all of life. Life is about living. That sounds so silly, so obvious. Our family would call that a "dah" statement. However what I mean is life is about every aspect of who you are and what you do. You cannot ignore any piece of yourself. You are physical, emotional and spiritual. You have intelligence and feelings and they are both a valid part of your life.  And all of the parts of your life are connected.  So, as we celebrate 31 years of marriage I recognize that a large part of my health is due to the love that we have nurtured and grown over the years. Like tending a garden, the yields are directly related to the effort involved. When we had seasons of not paying too close attention to our relationship we had more weeds and less crop. When we consistently tend to it we have high yields and MUCH satisfaction.

I've been married quite a bit longer than I was single and it is totally worth the work involved. My best advice? Decide, yes make a decision, to invest in your marriage. What do I mean by "invest"? I mean purposefully decide to study your mate. Learn who they really are. Ask questions and really listen to the answers don't immediately turn the conversation back to yourself. Encourage them verbally and publicly. Give them the time and/or tools they need to do what they need to do.

I am a stronger, deeper, more honest and healthy person because I'm married to someone who invests in  me but loves me. (period) So as I sit here in my workout clothes because he challenges me to be healthy physically I want to say thank you to my husband. YOU are the BEST for me!

Are you investing in the relationships in your life? How do you do that?

Marriage Monday - Where is Your Focus?

It's fun to look through "blogland" and see that marriage is a pretty common topic of discussion. (especially on Mondays it appears) That is encouraging to me because I (we) have learned through practical experience that marriages don't just bloom and grow automatically.  Mark and I read a devotion on our way home from our weekly road trip that brought up a simple observation.  A man who works with marriages alot compared asking an engaged woman and a married woman about their man.  He stated that when he asks an engaged gal she can easily go on for 10 minutes telling him all the great traits and abilities of her fiancee'. He said that most often when he asks a married woman she tells him of all the things her husband isn't or does not do.  How sad is that?

I know this is an accurate observation from our experience mentoring. Pre-marital mentoring is full of smiles and giggles, dreams and goals. We are starting a new couple this week. It will be fun. Marriage mentoring is a whole different experience. If there is not complete uncontrolled anger, then there is hurt and fear with much more caution in the words. Sometimes there is just this lost look. They are unsure what to say and where to start.  What happens?  Well there is no one answer that can answer that however I do have a thought that seems pretty universal. We allow "life" to get in the way. We become distracted.  We gradually get sucked into the mentality that what everyone else thinks is really important in our life. We think we need to be working harder to get the next promotion at work. We need to be home room mom for all of our kids at least every other year. We need to be a part of that hobby group and then there is always the church activities.  Teaching Sunday school isn't enough we need to help with the women's ministry and fix food for every funeral or birth that happens. Men, you  aren't off the hook. You do the same thing with different activities. What happens to your relationships, marriage in particular? The answer? They get very little of your "first" energy, time or attention.  I don't know about you but when I'm tired my patience, enthusiasm, creativity...well about anything good is not at it's best and my tongue tends to be very short and sharp. Why? Because life becomes all about "me." I am busy. I need to get this or that done. I need...and you are interrupting my plan or maybe even adding something to my list. Sound familiar?

This past week I was a bit overwhelmed with life, mostly mentally. Mark and I have come a long ways in our nearly 31 years. I didn't express my feelings through anger or tears. I did think a couple of times, "he can't know where I'm at if I don't tell him." So without making a huge issue I mentioned that I was "swimming mentally". He got it. He "took care of himself" more than normal last week. He allowed me to be quiet.  I worked hard to  see what really needed to be done and do that and not worry too much about the rest of my "list."  Our weekend ended with our ministry in another town letting us know there was a community event happening at 2:30 that we "could stay for..." Mark very graciously looked at me and said, while he was sure we would enjoy it we needed to go home. His wife needed a break before starting the week all over again. Perfect! There was a time in our life when we both would have thought we had to stay, totally because of other people's expectations. No more. We will serve them better when we stay focused and rested. What about you? How do you put your marriage relationship at the top of the priority list? Do you, personally realize that you can't do everything? This is a lesson we need to be talking about to help each other and ourselves learn because it is counter-cultural right now.

Marriage Monday - So Much More

This Monday has me thinking about marriage and the interesting position we live out as married couples. We are two individuals melded into one. We are a couple. Why? I've come to believe we are a much deeper, more well rounded person when we allow ourselves to become one with our mate. We experience things with a broader or different perspective than if we did it alone. We try things when we are with them that we probably wouldn't try if we were alone.  Mark and I always think of the time we went to Europe with several other couples. We got lost nearly every day but it wasn't a scary, bad thing. We laughed and it became the day's adventure. Why? Because there was a group of us. We knew we would be okay.  We were not alone! Many times since then Mark and I have had things happen leaving us feeling lost. However, we knew from past experience that being lost could be an adventure if we would let it. More importantly, it could be an adventure if we didn't let fear take over.

Over the past two weeks I have spent more time with my parents than I have in years. I've learned alot about both of them. After 48 years of marriage, Mom, even with her Alzheimer's filled mind, knows my Dad and she knows that she would like to be with him. At first she talked of going home and she still does at times but the main thing she talks of is being with Dad. She doesn't care if he stays with her or she goes with him. She just wants to be together. Why? Because he represents love and security to her. And Dad, well his heart breaks every time he walks out the door and leaves her there. He tells me how special she is to him and how he just wants her to be happy. Why? Because she represents a full life to him. He tells me how she showed him determination and exposed him to art and beauty in a way he had not seen it before. He makes sure that I notice that even now she always wants to share whatever she has and tells me that she is always that way. Together their life is richer, fuller, full of love.

This is a great example for me. Who am I in my marriage? Do I fully appreciate all that my husband has brought to my life?  I have always said life with Mark has brought me "higher highs and lower lows" than I could have imagined. That is a true statement, and there is so much more. His ability to think "outside the box" has helped me try things I know I would not have without him! What have you experienced in your life that you might not have if your spouse had not been a part of your life?

Why Daily Stress?

So continuing on with the "lack of time" theme, I've been pondering thoughts from the book we are studying with our small group, "Love Focused" and another book I'm reading, "One Thousand Gifts." Stress often shows itself in our everyday lives through lack of patience, indigestion, short sometimes hurtful words or even the simple comments like "I don't have time to...." Ann Voskamp, author of "One Thousand Gifts" says this, "Stress isn't only a joy stealer. The way we respond to it can be a sin....Stress stands in direct opposition to what He directly, tenderly commands: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1" She also comments, "And stressed, this pitched word that punctuates every conversation, is it really my attempt to prove how indispensable I am? Or is it more? Maybe disguising my deep fears as stress seems braver somehow."

This challenges me. Do I allow myself to live worrying and "stressed out" in an attempt to control my life? I love Ann's definition of control - "pseudopower from the pit". Fake power. We attempt to control our circumstances and the people around us. Why? That's where the "Love Focused" book comes in. Authors Bob and Judy Hughes remind us that we all have "personal agendas".  "Our personal agenda is the plan we develop apart from God to get the world to solve the problem of our neediness." "We think we can manage all the people in our lives to get them to love us and never hurt us. It is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with desiring others to love and accept us and to experience a minimum amount of hurt in life. It is normal and healthy to want to be loved and to be emotionally happy. The problem occurs when our agenda puts the focus on the world rather than God to solve our neediness." (emphasis mine) Maybe I want to feel needed, wanted or even indispensable.

We literally wear ourselves out daily trying to control the people and circumstances in our life. Why? I believe it is because we are afraid, afraid of being hurt or alone/abandoned. Ann Voskamp says, "Fear keeps life small." I agree. Why? Because when I am afraid, life is all about me. My vision is very limited. Everything is viewed with the perspective of me. How will this effect me? Will I like it? Will I be hurt? Will this help me? Again, stress is directly opposite of what Jesus softly commands, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1  "Jesus replied, This is the work that God asks of you that you believe in the One whom He has sent." John 6:29  We trust God for our salvation from hell when we die. Do we trust Him with our daily life? Can I trust Him to love me and walk me through whatever this day holds so that I don't have to control each moment in it?

What do you think? Am I striking a nerve in your life? Do you understand what these authors are trying to say or do you think they are missing it?  If you want to read more about living a love focused life you can find more information and/or the book here:
http://www.lovefocused.com/lfs.pdf

One Last Date

We've been talking about dating over the past couple of weeks and I can think of no better day than Valentines Day to share one last story from a friend.

A favorite date~there have been many as Mark & I will be married 35 years this Valentine's Day! So we are truly Valentine sweethearts. We were married on my grandparents 43rd anniversary so a very special date for 2 generations there. One of the many dates that stand out to me is the night we got engaged. We had only dated a month, yes a month and we got engaged. It was a very simple date, as Mark picked me up at my parents home. We went to Mastebergen's jewlery in Sheldon and in the parking lot , the ring was placed on my finger. I remember dropping the jewelry cleaner on the ground and it breaking & being stinky. We were very excited, but when my parents found out it wasn't exactly exciting for them. Many suggestions & advice were shared that night, but we remained engaged. God had it in His plans. Mark was a very solid follower of Christ and at the time I was just a religious church attender. After going to church with Mark I realized I had never surrendered my life to Christ. So that date was just one of the very important steps in my life that led me to where we are today. Thankfully I found the Lover of my soul, and a man who loves me with all his heart as well.

While you may think of Valentines Day as a "Hallmark get your money day" - it doesn't have to be. Use this day to appreciate your spouse or significant other. While your at it what about appreciating your parents or another older couple in your life who have set a good example for you.  And remember all the candy goes on sale tomorrow! This doesn't have to be just a one day thing! Have FUN!

More Dates...

I don't want you to have any excuses for not taking some time out for you and your spouse.  I have more stories to share. Remember the point is not to feel pressure to copy anyone but to get ideas.

Personally I remember walking through a furniture store and showing each other what we liked for "someday" when we had a "real" house. Our son and daughter-in-law sometimes go to a local bookstore and sit and read magazines or browse books with a cup of hot chocolate.

Here's another story from a friend:
We were out visiting my husband's family in Wyoming and it was a normal day like any other or so I thought until Nathan surprised me after breakfast in front of his whole family, grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins that I needed to get my shoes on because we were going to be going somewhere, he found a sitter and everything. "Which wasn't hard because of all the family" but I loved it anyway. We got in the car and he drove to some places nearby, he took me on the 1880 train and we went and looked at a nearby cave, we also experienced the cosmos and few other area attractions. I just loved the spontaneity of the whole day and one surprise after another. It truly was a wonderful day.

Have you ever gone sledding or taken a walk at night? It's funny how the same old landscape can look different at night. Or is there a place you like to go that you should go at least once a season to see how it looks different? Take pictures or draw your rendition of what it looks like. Go out ahead of time and make a scavenger hunt for your spouse. Take a picnic. Take a good book and read a chapter out loud together. (Mark your place and go somewhere different to read the next chapter)

See it doesn't "have to be" elaborate.  If you will notice the common denominator in the stories is that one of the people planned. Yes, thought ahead of time what they could do. That makes the other person feel cared for and that is a good thing!

20 Hours

I'm happy and concerned all at the same time. I know that's kind of confusing but then what's new. Mark and I went to a marriage retreat Thursday evening and Friday. We were to arrive at 6:00 p.m. Thursday. We checked in to our rooms and met the group at 7:00. We were finished by 2:00 Friday afternoon. 20 hours - that's all it was. 20 hours and our marriage is better for it.

20 hours - It really didn't even take that long to make a difference. Just knowing that my spouse agreed to take the time to go and invest in our relationship was a huge mental boost for me.

20 hours - The first assignment was to pick 3 things you like about your spouse then tell them! (They even gave us a list of possibilities.) At the end of our time together we were asked if we would share something that was a "take-away", something we believed would make a difference in our relationship. The most common thing shared was this assignment. Most people commented that they don't usually take time to talk about their relationship, to really focus on each other. They said they talk about schedules, children/family and work but each other? Not so much.  Just a few minutes thinking about what they like in their spouse and then telling them lifted their spirits and helped them feel much more connected.

20 hours - Time to hear from leaders who were honest that while they love each other deeply they struggle with their differences and finding time for themselves while parenting. Time to laugh with them over real life stories that made us relax and see that our life together is pretty common. Yes, everyone needs to continue to work on communication! :)

20 hours - to be reminded that relationships are "alive". They are "birthed", change, grow or die. That's it's normal to be "blind" in the attraction phase and mostly "blind" during the honeymoon phase. Then as reality/responsibility kick in that it takes more work, especially when you realize as much as you love them, your spouse isn't perfect. But if you choose to accept them, cooperate by utilizing their strengths with yours, your relationship can and will grow. Conversely if you choose to resist and resent their differences from you growth will not happen and often this leads to death of a relationship.

In our day to day lives we often just don't take the time for what is really important. We don't intentionally neglect it. We just miss it. We are too busy getting to work on time, getting kids to school and getting everyone fed before the next activity. (not too mention the latest school fundraiser, church activities, exercise....) There just "aren't enough hours in the day" to get it all done. At least that's what we tell ourselves. We have a friend who is obsessed with this fact, there are 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week. Those numbers are the same for all of us. We have the power to choose how we will use them. This past week my husband and I made a positive difference in our life. We took 20 of our 168 hours and invested in our relationship. I know my mental perspective is improved in all areas, not just my marriage relationship. It was definitely worth it. 

Valentines Day is approaching. This is a great season to invest in your relationship. What will you choose to do?

No Excuses - Celebrate Your Relationship

"If you don't clean your house when you know company is coming when will you clean it?" I can just hear my mother telling me that when I commented that I was contemplating not cleaning before company came. You wouldn't be able to tell I cleaned the house a 1/2 hour after our guests would arrive so why bother?  You know I'm finding a lot of married couples attitude about Valentines Day is very similar to that sentiment.

"It's a stupid Hallmark holiday to sell cards."  

"I don't have a clue what she wants and if I did I can't afford it." 

"I can't afford a babysitter and dinner..." 

"He's not in to all that sentimental stuff." 

"He probably doesn't even realize that Valentines day is just a few weeks away."

"It's a week night what are we going to do?"

While one of those comments may be true (or partially true) in your life they are not good excuses to not enjoy Valentines Day if you would like to.  Remember you two are on the same team and you are playing a game called life. Your spouse cannot read your mind but I guarantee he/she will read your attitude when you start pouting or getting crabby. They will know something is wrong but they may not know what. Do yourself (& your spouse) a favor take 15  minutes to sit down and talk about what you would like for Valentines Day THIS WEEK.  Why this week because most of us can't do things spontaneously and you will probably need some times to plan.

The purpose of this 15 minutes is not schedule everything for the next month it is to let your spouse know what you would like for Valentines Day and maybe a few suggestions of how that might look. Then you need to ask your spouse what they would like. Now if you haven't pre-warned them of the topic they may need some time to think about this. That's fair. If so, pick a time right now to come back and hear their thoughts.  The conversation might start something like this, "So Valentines Day is coming up in about 3 weeks. We're always so busy but I'd really like to figure out some time that you and I could do something, just the two of us. It wouldn't have to be right on Valentines Day. And it doesn't have to be fancy maybe coffee at ____________shop and a walk around the park at night when it's so quiet."  Think ahead of time what would mean something to you and have at least one idea of how that might happen.  HOWEVER, remember you are only one member of a "team."  Your spouse might have completely different ideas of what they would enjoy. In that case you will need to work out a compromise that works for both of you.

Do I really care that you celebrate Valentines Day? No, not for the sake of Valentines Day and bragging rights at the office. I DO care that you take time to purposefully invest in your relationship. To celebrate your strengths and to build on them for the future. It's not about doing something so you can tell your friends you did. It's about showing your spouse that they are worth spending some time thinking about, planning a time together and then actually doing it!" What better time than when it's easy to pick up a greeting card, send an e-mail, or pick up some candy that is already prepared for you to say the three most important words in a relationship. "I love you!"

So if you are going to take the challenge let us know.  If you have a favorite time from the past share that with us too. It might give someone a fresh idea of how to celebrate with their spouse. Nothing is too simple and honestly it's only too elaborate if you can't really afford it.

As I look back over my blog posting list I find I've been a bit delinquent since the Holidays. I apologize.  Many great things going on in our house.  We enjoyed the holidays over a very spread out schedule.  We are spending more time with our parents due to the good old "aging process" they both could use a bit of help and encouragement. Although I must say at the moment my parents are more needy. I was asked to take a little more responsibility at work and that requires a bit more than my half-time so I've been going to work early or staying a bit late.  I am taking a class via the internet that will last through the first week in February and Mark has been busy with end of the year accounting for his business and our personal bookwork. To top all of that off we have a couple of events in the next two months and it's time to prayerfully prepare for those as well.

With that in mind I realized that Valentines Day will be over a month from now. As married couples it seems that this little holiday sneaks up on us much more so than when we were dating. Why so? Could it be that you are busy with the kids? Could it be that money is tight? Could it be that you just couldn't imagine how to fit one more thing in the month of February or do you just not have any good ideas?  Well I want to encourage you!  There are alot of great, simple ideas "out there".  It can be but does not have to be fancy but especially if you have kids at home it will require a little planning. So start now!

Here's a few ideas:
Write a love letter! No really, do it. Tell your spouse what you love about them or your first memory of them or something you noticed last week but didn't get to say because it was time for the basketball game.  Need more help? Go to  http://www.onemillionloveletters.com/index.php

Research proves that dating your spouse at least once a month significantly improves your relationship.  Give your spouse the gift of time.  Make a gift certificate for one date per month for the next year. Plan dinner for Valentines day. Tell your spouse that mean so much to you that you are committed to at least one date per month for the next year.  I suggest that you take your calendars and mark date night once a month for at least the next 4 months if not the whole year. Do not let ANYTHING budge in on that time unless it's a matter of life and death.  Your marriage is important!

Go to a marriage retreat.  In Iowa Okoboji Lutheran Bible Camp has one every year around Valentines Day.  You can find out about it at http://www.okoboji.org
Family Life Today sponsors "A Weekend to Remember" http://www.weekendtoremember.com
 In the Des Moines Area Point of Grace Church will be hosting a Friday night/Saturday time the weekend before Valentines Day.  You can find out more about that at http://www.pointofgrace.com
Mark and I will be helping to lead that one on Saturday. Come and join us!   Okay, so now I'm stuck in Italics mode but I've got to go for today.  If you have other Valentine ideas please share them by leaving a comment. Sometimes we just need one idea to get our own ideas flowing!
 
 

The Marriage Mirror

One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, "Here's to helping you discover what you are really like."

Gary and Betsy Ricucci

 Wow, I've never thought of it quite like that before but it is so true, if we're willing to admit it. My husband had an outpatient surgery last Wednesday.  This was a scheduled event. Actually it was the 3rd year in a row that he has had some sort of surgery in December after the really physical part of his work is done for the year. The few days following surgery are a mixed blessing for me.  I have to admit, I love that I have a legitimate reason to say "no" to everything. My husband needs me you know. So as in years past we came home and settled him into his recliner with a couple of movies ready to be played. Pain meds, check, water, check, blankets, check...well you get the idea. Once he was settled (and after I took a nap - it was a very early morning) I started in on some of the household chores I had been putting off, being quiet of course and checking on him often.  That lasted through the night of setting the alarm every 4 hours for pain meds and resettling him in the recliner the next day. Then reality began to hit.  The Christmas shopping isn't done. Oh well, we can do some of that by internet and make a plan for the local shopping. Maybe he'll feel like going out in a couple of days. Oh and there's that budget report I need to do for Treasure Chest Ministries. I can't finish it without his input. And last but not least, the clinic where I work is still a bit short staffed AND we switched to electronic medical records in October. That means we have inputting to do which requires extra time. Guess what? Those of us who are not full-time are expected to fill in these gaps. 2 1/2 months later...I'm really tired of this expectation. I get anxious about my responsibilities at work...and at home. I get crabby. I start thinking. I start fussing. I start getting short-tempered. Notice anything?  All of the sudden life is ALL ABOUT ME!  Instead of serving my husband who could really use the help I'm wanting him to take care of himself AND help me figure out what to do and when to do it. Wow, that turned around in a hurry. Hmmm, back to the top. Marriage can be a mirror to show us what we are really like.  I don't like what I see in this circumstance. I became very self-centered very quickly. That caused my attitude to change from servant to take care of yourself, from patient to not patient, from kind to well let's just say not as kind. Nasty. I didn't like who I saw when I took the time to look. 

The good news is that marriage is for a lifetime. My husband loves me and is my best friend. I apologized and asked for his forgiveness. He was so gracious to even allow some talk time to figure out what the root of my anxiousness actually is instead of just leaving it at surface value. You know what? Looking in the mirror this morning I see a more peace-filled woman. Thanks God. Thanks Mark.

What about you? Have you ever thought about your marriage or significant relationships as a chance to look in the mirror?

Standing On the Promises of God

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him," Nahum 1:7  

Those are the words I heard Friday afternoon from my mom's mouth.  Now admittedly this time she stumbled a bit on the final words but those are the words I have heard come from her mouth many times in the last few years.  I first noticed it neatly written on an index card and tacked to the bulletin board above her kitchen sink a long time ago.  No frills, no big deal. It was just there in the center with the appointment reminder cards and missionary prayer cards all around it.  I noticed but I didn't think too much about it. Now I'm thinking that I am so glad Mom took the time to memorize that verse.  She needs to really know that truth deep down in her heart and I believe she does. Like most all of us she has seen her share of "trouble" in this world. Her mom died when she was 11 and Grandpa didn't remarry until she was an adult. She married young the first time and that marriage did not last. The pain of adultery and "shame" (her word, not mine) of being the first divorced person in her immediate family was hard. But Mom has known for most of her life that God is with her each day, walking her through whatever comes her way.  She needs that now more than ever.

Friday afternoon when I heard those words Mom was lying in a hospital bed. To our knowledge nothing "life threatening" was going on but she collapsed twice in the previous two days. The second time she was definitely unconscious for a bit so the ambulance came and took her to the local hospital to get checked out.  The biggest problem is my mom has Alzheimer's Disease.  She is not completely "gone." She has moments of lucid thinking. She still recognizes all of us in the immediate family and remembers her siblings etc.  The thing about people with Alzheimer's (and many other forms of dementia) is that when they are taken out of their normal surroundings they typically become very confused and/or frightened.  I witnessed both as I sat with Mom at the hospital more vividly than I ever have.  She knew me when we got there a few hours after they had arrived at the hospital. She was pleased I was there which allowed my husband to go with my Dad to get him something to eat and pick up Mom's medicine.  In amongst the time alone with her she asked me repeatedly where she was and told me she was sure she could go home.  When I would explain that she had collapsed not once, but twice and we were trying to figure out why she would just shake her head or shrug her shoulders with a very puzzled look on her face. She would then resign herself to what I told her for a few minutes and then we would start all over. Out of the blue in the middle of the afternoon she quote Nahum 1:7.  I believe that even though physically she is at a state that most of what she knows is just trapped somewhere in her brain her spirit knows God. I believe her spirit connects with The Holy Spirit of God. That's important because Scripture promises us that He will help us in our time of need. Mom needs the security of God caring for her when she doesn't understand what is going on around her.  Besides that, it was also comforting for me to know that she had that piece of truth embedded deep in her heart.

I had never seen my Mom quite so frightened/panicked.  She depends on my father for everything and he has risen to the challenge of caring for the woman he loves even as he watches her disappear before his eyes. I am witnessing love "in sickness and in health." He continues to very respectfully speak to her and about her. He does not want to "worry" her about anything. This time both he and I had to speak calmly but very firmly that she needed"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him," Nahum 1:7  
My Dad is living with this truth in his heart as well.  Again, I was comforted knowing he is trusting in our Lord to get us through this season of life.

This weekend has taught me alot and reminded me of the importance of memorizing scripture.  We need God's word in our heart and mind to guide us when nothing else can.  I have a friend who started a blog to encourage her friends to memorize scripture. We all share what verse(s) we are working on twice a month. I think it's time I take this a bit more seriously. What about you?  Have you ever witnessed someone knowing just the right passage of scripture when they needed it? 

Prayer

I'm sure you pray for your spouse and family.  I know I do. Like today, I know that my daughter is out of town alone. So I'm praying for safety amongst other things. My daughter-in-law has been working a good "temp" job for months now.  She would like to be hired by the company. I'm praying God's will be done and of course mentioning that we think this seems like a good place to work for her. (smile) Over this past weekend while my husband was gone with a friend ministering to men in NW Iowa I prayed repeatedly for their obedience to God's promptings, for protection and peace and the list went on and on.But do you pray for your husband just because he is someone you love and care about? Do you thank God for him on a daily basis? Men, don't tune out here - we women would love you to be praying for us on a daily basis.

Years ago someone introduced me to Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife. This paperback book is tattered, torn and spilled on but most days of the week I pray for my husband using this as a prompt or a focus. There are 30 chapters - one for each day of the week, all of them ending with a prayer based on scripture.  I don't read the whole chapter any more but I do use the prayers to help me focus on different aspects of Mark's life instead of just asking for strength and healing of his aching knees every day!  This month a group of women agreed to pray for their husbands daily. It's not too late for you to join us. If you'd like some suggestions you can go to http://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/31-days-of-praying-for-your-husband/
There is a book for husbands regarding praying for your wife by the Omartians too. You are not off the hook guys!

I truly believe this is the single most healthy thing I have done for my marriage. If you read my last post you know that our life is as normal as yours. It has ups and downs and all the places in-between. However, as we learn to trust God with our lives He orchestrates them into a beautiful work of music. It's not just a song of unison but it is filled with wonderful harmonies. Pray for your spouse today and ask God to help you hear the music He is creating.

One Good Thing

It's Monday, a holiday Monday which means many of us have the day off.  We're planning to spend the day helping our parents with a couple of "fix-it" projects around their homes.  At this stage of life spending time with our parents is a great reminder of what marriage and love really is.


So many days I catch myself being critical or just having a selfish attitude as I go through my day at home. When my husband asks me to help him by bringing him something I think about how it is an interruption in whatever I'm doing. Or I catch myself thinking why can't he__________ (fill in the blank with your favorite (or should I say least favorite) task)?

Marriage isn't about who does what. It's about your relationship. Sure in your relationship you each have things you may be responsible for but the motivation is your love, your relationship. If it's not, it's time for an attitude adjustment.  This month I've joined a group of women on-line. We are choosing to honor our husbands by telling them one something we appreciate about them everyday. Look for it. Recognize it. Thank God for it.  Guys, this doesn't need to exclude you. You can do the same thing for your wife.  It's amazing what being purposeful about this can do for your attitude!

I think about this today because I know that the daily-ness of parents caring for each other as they age is more often than not, not fun. We are so honored to have parents who truly love one another.  Our fathers both care for our mothers with such respect. It's a great example to us.

So do you want to join the challenge?  You will be alot more committed to it if you tell someone you are doing it. Why don't you tell me?  Leave a comment letting me know you've joined us on the month of September "at least one good thing" a day challenge.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself...

"Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."  Mark 12:30-31

What do you think of when you read those verses?  I don't know about you but I lean strongly toward the first verse thinking the Lord wants me to love Him with "all I've got."  While that may be true I can't ignore the last part, "love your neighbor AS YOURSELF". (emphasis mine)  What in the world does that mean? What does that look like?  For one thing, I haven't spent much time thinking about this part of the verse...ever.  I've been taught and have taught others that we are to love your neighbor. You know, I've told the "good Samaritan" story. Talked to my kids about being kind to all of the kids in their class etc etc but if you break down the grammar of that verse it is implying that we should love our "neighbor" LIKE we love OURSELVES. Love myself?  Haven't really thought about it much.

If I look around I'm very aware of two schools of thought.
1.  Every commercial, lots of magazines and books and the attitude generally in today's society says, "I AM ME. Let ME be ME."  I want...and I'm going to get it.
2. In some Christian/religious circles you are taught that it is vanity to spend time and money to "look" better. For example, don't waste your money on alot of make up and clothes. Doesn't matter if you are tired and have a huge project at work, if you neighbor needs help - get over there! :)

In my opinion there is a "grain" of truth - but pretty much only a "grain" of truth in both of these schools of thought.  The Bible tells us we are to "love ourselves".  Love isn't just a feeling. It is a decision to invest in another person. It's a relationship. Relationships require that you know the other person. That you spend time with them. That you listen to them. That you tell them the truth and not just what they want to hear. That you encourage, challenge, and support them.  Now think about yourself. I don't know about you but until the last few years I can tell you that I didn't spend much time doing any of those things for myself until a situation presented itself and I absolutely "had to".  For example my Senior year of High School I "had to" spend some time figuring out enough about "me" to decide what to do after I graduated.

Please hear the whole message here. Read all of Mark 12:30-31 again. It does not just talk about loving "me". It talks about loving God with all we've got and then loving our neighbors.  But it is implying that we have to love ourselves too.  We have to have love to share love.  We can't give what we don't have.  When my husband crashed 7 years ago the counselor told him that his supply was empty. He described it like water going over a dam to feed a river. He said we are the "behind the dam" part and when we serve we should be serving from our supply behind the dam. However, if we have constant outflow we can drain ourselves dry and then we have nothing to give.  When we run on empty we can hurt ourselves.  There's those well known verses in Ecclesiastes, "a time to laugh and a time to cry..."
We need to pay enough attention to ourselves to be sure that we are filled up. Why? So we can love the Lord our God with ALL of OUR heart, soul, mind and strength.  (Did you notice it names every aspect of our lives - spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical?)

So today's question is are you taking care of yourself?

The Challenge

Okay, so I spent the day with my husband. We went to the State Fair and had a great time meandering around checking things out. I thought this would be a great place to learn something new about him. It was harder than I thought.  I will say that I learned again how thorough he likes to be. (smile) Walking through one of the buildings with all of the random booths trying to sell you something - I could skip around, pick and choose. Not him, he likes to walk through in an organized fashion, up and down the isles against the traffic. (less crowded?)  I was also reminded how much of a maven he is. A maven is a collector of information on any and all topics. This makes him a great conversationalist. He can talk to almost anybody!  Lastly I was amazed at how he likes to know ALL about the things he worked with. We looked at every dealer who carried some kind of mower whether it was a type he could actually use or not. He compared what they are made of, what kind of engine, safety features, sizes - well just everything!  The great thing is he stores away this knowledge and can often fix something when it's broken or worn out and often invents his own way of doing it.

What did you learn? Was it easy or did you, like me find it difficult to learn something "new"?  I'd like to think it was hard for me because I know my husband pretty well, but I don't want to get lazy and miss something important!

A Challenge for Today!

Okay, so I'm challenging you today to observe, listen, study, watch someone you care about and try to learn one new thing about them.  Share what you learn tomorrow.  It doesn't matter what day you read this, that day is your TODAY!

I'm taking the challenge and I guarantee it will be worth the effort! In fact it could be just plain fun!

A Question

Do you take time to be quiet, even just for a few moments? I have been busy with people and in the public for solid week now. I'm lonely for some time alone. How crazy is that? I know at home I can even fill my quiet time with music, or reading, or listening to someone else's voice. I am challenged this week to take time to be quiet. To listen to the silence. To allow a time, a space God cn fill. It's not complicated. Simple. Quiet. God loves me. He loves you. He wants to spend time with me. He doesn't need me to always be doing something. He desires me. He desires you.

If you doubt this thought, think about your loved ones. You just wnt to be with them. They don't always need to say or do anything. I love it when my kids are are around!

So? Do you actually spend quiet time with God?

New Every Morning

So I've been mulling over a life lesson. Years ago when our son was in 4th grade we moved across the state leaving his two best friends behind. He had a tough start at his new school as he became pretty sick the week we moved in. Honestly he missed more school than he went to that first month in the depths of winter in Iowa. He had a bad respiratory infection but I believe it was greatly induced by his aching heart. His teacher was very kind and he met other kids quickly but he just wasn't his usual self. One of his old friends got to come to visit for his birthday about 2 months after we moved. That was a great weekend. Sometime after that when He was home from school, sick again I found him just sobbing.  I held him close and asked what hurt, with no response. After some time had passed, more questions and finally the sobbing slowed to just tears He told me he had met some new friends. He was so upset because he believed if he made new friends he would have to let go of the old friends. I assured him that that was not how friendship worked. While you may only be able to have a very few "best" friends, you can have lots of friends with love for all of them. They probably fit in different places in your life.

 Great lesson for life. I've thought of that scene often in the past few years of my life. Life moved us again 6 years ago from a place we had lived for 10 years. Great friends. Great ministry. Great memories. Life. But life goes on and new memories are made. Yesterday was our first son-in-law's birthday. Cancer took him from all of us way too soon. Honestly, I miss him and all of his quirky, sly looks. But just as in our son's life, we are blessed to have new friends AND a new son-in-law. We love them all - the old and the new.  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness  Lamentations 3:23

My Thing or His Thing, Focus!

So while on vacation, away from home and work it was so "natural" to focus on loving my husband. I wanted to know what he was interested in and what he wanted to do. I wasn't "worried" about whether or not we'd get to "my" thing. I just knew we would. We're home now and I don't want to lose that ability to not "worry" about me and "my thing".   As I've processed these thoughts, I feel like God let me know that is how He feels about me sometimes, a lot of the time actually. He'd like me to focus on loving Him, watching for Him and being interested in what and when He is doing something. Then He'd like me to join Him!

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in you sight O Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14 (NIV)

Valentines Day is Over

So you have chocolate in the house because if you didn't get it FOR valentines day you can buy it cheap now! :) Life has moved on. That extra time spent thinking how you can do something nice for your spouse has passed. Why?  Okay, so maybe we can't or shouldn't spend huge amounts of time, energy and money planning extravagant surprises for our spouse but I believe the studying your spouse never stops. 

What I'm thinking is this:  I wouldn't want my husband to treat me the exact same way he did when we got married 29 1/2 years ago. Really, I wouldn't.  I am not exactly the same person. While my core is the same I've grown up in lots of ways. We've experienced life together, children, divorces of friends and family, moving and making new friends, death of loved ones, health issues, the list could go on and on.  If he would treat me the way he did 29 years ago there are many times it wouldn't "fit" me anymore.  Who wants to be "stuck" in old ways? NOT ME! (smile) 

However, we are only responsible for our own actions so think about it. Are you treating your spouse the same old way you always have? Or are you observing his/her changes?  Are they more patient now? Do they help more with daily chores? Do they answer when you call more consistently? Do they make the bed now? Do they ask you before they make plans that include you?

Valentines day may be over for this year but don't let that stop you from studying your mate. Getting stuck in an old rut is no fun and doesn't allow for growth.  Look for that growth.  When you see it, don't keep it to yourself. Make note of it and be sure to tell your loved one that you noticed!  Watch them stand up a little straighter and smile a little more. After all we all like being praised.