No Excuses - Celebrate Your Relationship

"If you don't clean your house when you know company is coming when will you clean it?" I can just hear my mother telling me that when I commented that I was contemplating not cleaning before company came. You wouldn't be able to tell I cleaned the house a 1/2 hour after our guests would arrive so why bother?  You know I'm finding a lot of married couples attitude about Valentines Day is very similar to that sentiment.

"It's a stupid Hallmark holiday to sell cards."  

"I don't have a clue what she wants and if I did I can't afford it." 

"I can't afford a babysitter and dinner..." 

"He's not in to all that sentimental stuff." 

"He probably doesn't even realize that Valentines day is just a few weeks away."

"It's a week night what are we going to do?"

While one of those comments may be true (or partially true) in your life they are not good excuses to not enjoy Valentines Day if you would like to.  Remember you two are on the same team and you are playing a game called life. Your spouse cannot read your mind but I guarantee he/she will read your attitude when you start pouting or getting crabby. They will know something is wrong but they may not know what. Do yourself (& your spouse) a favor take 15  minutes to sit down and talk about what you would like for Valentines Day THIS WEEK.  Why this week because most of us can't do things spontaneously and you will probably need some times to plan.

The purpose of this 15 minutes is not schedule everything for the next month it is to let your spouse know what you would like for Valentines Day and maybe a few suggestions of how that might look. Then you need to ask your spouse what they would like. Now if you haven't pre-warned them of the topic they may need some time to think about this. That's fair. If so, pick a time right now to come back and hear their thoughts.  The conversation might start something like this, "So Valentines Day is coming up in about 3 weeks. We're always so busy but I'd really like to figure out some time that you and I could do something, just the two of us. It wouldn't have to be right on Valentines Day. And it doesn't have to be fancy maybe coffee at ____________shop and a walk around the park at night when it's so quiet."  Think ahead of time what would mean something to you and have at least one idea of how that might happen.  HOWEVER, remember you are only one member of a "team."  Your spouse might have completely different ideas of what they would enjoy. In that case you will need to work out a compromise that works for both of you.

Do I really care that you celebrate Valentines Day? No, not for the sake of Valentines Day and bragging rights at the office. I DO care that you take time to purposefully invest in your relationship. To celebrate your strengths and to build on them for the future. It's not about doing something so you can tell your friends you did. It's about showing your spouse that they are worth spending some time thinking about, planning a time together and then actually doing it!" What better time than when it's easy to pick up a greeting card, send an e-mail, or pick up some candy that is already prepared for you to say the three most important words in a relationship. "I love you!"

So if you are going to take the challenge let us know.  If you have a favorite time from the past share that with us too. It might give someone a fresh idea of how to celebrate with their spouse. Nothing is too simple and honestly it's only too elaborate if you can't really afford it.

Goal Setting

It's December 30th. We will be leaving shortly to head to the wedding of a dear friend but in the meantime it's one of my favorite times of the year. It's the end of this year and the start of another. A time of reflection and dreaming of the future, making plans, and exploring possibilities.  I really like this time.  I like looking back in my journal and being reminded of all that has gone on in the past year(s).  Not just the "big" stuff - I can remember that without my journal but the little things, the details of the big stuff that might otherwise get forgotten/missed and the personal little things that often develop into something significant in my life. It's a time of celebration of what has happened and looking forward.  I strongly believe in journaling but if that terminology intimidates you or just doesn't appeal to you at the very least I would encourage you to do this:

1. Make a list of all the things you can think of that happened this past year that you are thankful for.  Don't let the little things slip by - like being home when a friend you haven't seen in years stopped by.

2. Make a list of some goals for 2012. I'd suggest one thing for your physical well being, one thing for your spirit and one that's good for your soul - something to enrich your individual life.  Why write them down? Because if you don't you will lose track of them and possibly never accomplish them.  After you've written them up, mark your calendar quarterly for the next year. Mark a day to review your goals. (You don't have to take a whole day - just review them on this day) This will help to keep you focused and on the road to accomplishing your goals.  Now, does this guarantee that you will accomplish all of your goals? No. I've missed more than I've made but I've gotten alot further for taking the time to figure out where I'm headed and what I need to do to get there.  Remember this is a grace-filled life. God's mercies are "new every morning." So if you miss your goal, you just start again!

My husband and I revise our "spending plan" each and every year based on past expenses, known upcoming expenses and our goals for that year.  Last year we set it knowing we had some medical bills and we chose to do some work on our house.  We achieved our goals of paying off all of those bills. However, in the past 6 months we quit paying close attention to some of the smaller things coming our way, some of the "little details". End result, we have to really buckle down the purse-strings for the next few months. For the time being this canceled our vacation. RATS. Good lesson with very little actual "pain".  We are very blessed to be able to pay all of the bills we had and have way more "things" than many, many people. We're fine - in fact we're more than fine. This little bump caused us to talk, again about what is really important to us and re-focus on what we want to do with our life.  I share this little piece of our life to encourage you to write down your goals AND to review them on a regular basis.  Keep the "main thing the main thing"!

Anybody else want to share a goal setting story, success or failure??

Putting the Christmas Crazies to Rest

As I sit here on a beautiful Saturday morning 1 week before Christmas I want to encourage you.  No, I want to CHALLENGE you to put the Christmas Crazies to rest.  STOP for 5 minutes, just 5 minutes.  Take a deep breath and say this prayer with me. Lord, show me how to celebrate your birthday with my family and friends. Amen. Now grab a piece of paper and a pencil if necessary to write down what really has to happen in the next week. Having been married for 30 years and having grown kids I've been through this a few more times than some of you. Looking back this week the times I am remembering are the simple times. So let me make some suggestions for you to think about as you make your holiday choices.
1. This season is about celebrating the birth of Christ so talk about that with your family. I had a book that had simple family friendly ideas for the whole month of December. It even suggested when to do your holiday baking etc so you didn't forget things. Maybe you could use a book to help you. If it's too late for this year shop at your local Christian bookstore after Christmas for next year!

2. I remember turning down the regular lights to better enjoy the Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate after the kids were in bed to calm down and do a little Christmas time reflection.

3. Making Christmas cookies with the kids involved was a must. Yep, it's a mess, but then I'm a mess in the kitchen no matter what so who cares?  One year I even made them matching aprons.  We made "gingerbread houses" out of graham crackers more than one year.  As they got older we made real gingerbread houses. Frosting cut out cookies is always way more fun when you do it together.

4. Gifts - DO NOT LET THIS STRESS YOU OUT OR CAUSE YOU TO GO INTO DEBT. For our family we kept it pretty simple but fun. We always gave the kids a book to encourage reading and an item of clothing that they actually needed. (It's way more fun to get something wrapped up and unwrap it as a surprise than it is to go buy new pj's) Then we'd get them a couple of fun presents. One of the Christmas' we all remember the most we collected big boxes for a week or two before Christmas. Then we made them do a treasure hunt which led to the basement play room full of big boxes.  It was March before those boxes were all gone. They made a maze, a train, forts and that's not all but it's all I can remember right now. Another trick is wrap EVERYTHING. You know, the batteries separate from the game. The pj top separate from the bottoms - everything! It draws out the unwrapping and can make for a lot of laughter.  Several years we gave each of the kids two homemade gift certificates to stop at a toy store on the way to Grandma's Christmas Eve day and pick out their own new toys.  Sounds dangerous but we learned that they had far simpler taste than we did.  We did tell them that we had $ limits but never were burdened with it. This was a huge help to our budget! AND the shopping was a big part of the gift. Just being allowed to look at all the possibilities in the store and then pick out what they wanted. (Note to grown ups, you can not rush this process. Be patient. That is your biggest gift to them. Let them enjoy it.)

5. Go caroling somewhere and don't forget to watch for all the fun Christmas lights in your town as you go.

Done.  See I don't remember fancy dinners and just the "perfect" outfit for me or for our kids. Parties bigger than the neighbors or gifts for everyone at work or on the block. I remember smiles and giggles and being together with the kids. (and extended family) My husband's family all crowd into his parent's too small for all of us house and play card games and eat snacks after the kids open their presents. We love it! Being together celebrating the birth of Christ is what it is all about. Keep it simple.

For some great ideas for the Christmas school break time why don't you visit my friend, Cindy's blog http://cindybultema.blogspot.com/2011/12/surviving-thriving-on-christmas.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ReflectionsOfHisBeauty+%28She+Sparkles%29

Seven Years Later

Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God's love is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously, working out his wonderful plan of love. -- Eric Liddell

Today is a significant day in our life. Not to say every day isn't important, they are. But today seems really special to me.  In the Scriptures the number 7 signifies completion.  7 1/2 years ago, January 2004 I started a new journal that Mark gave me as a Christmas present. Part of the first entry reads like this:
It's been a contemplative year of change. (We became "empty-nesters".) New Years's Eve was spent at the Expo Center in Spirit Lake with many friends and all 3 of our kids. Our entire family worshipped publicly. Seth and Amber standing right next to Mark and Mark Hoftyzer taking photos. It brought tears to my eyes. After briefly reviewing some mental struggles over our perception of what was expected of Mark at work. I go on to say this. I believe I need to grow my faith by depending on God to take care of my family (Mark in particular). I'm always striving to come up with a plan to make life "better" - more peaceful - less frustration. I'm realizing I was trying too hard, too much. I need to trust God.  I have choosen the following prayer as a "theme" prayer for my family for 2004.  The following prayer was adapted from one of the Prayers That Avail Much  books by Word Ministries, Inc. These prayers are all based on Scripture.
Thank you that before we were even born You knew us & had a plan for our lives. You have placed Your anointing upon our lives. I'm asking You to burn Your call into our hearts. Let it be a fire shut up in our bones so we cannot hold it in.  I pray a hedge of protection over my family so that no man, woman, or enemy will squelch what You have in store for us. You are equipping us with all things that pertain to life and godliness so that we have an abundance for every good deed. Confirm Your call on our lives by Your Holy Spirit and make our paths like the first gleam of dawn shining ever brighter as we follow our callings. Let multitudes of lives be touched by Your anointing which is flowing through us. When we enter Your kingdom You will say, "well done good and faithful servant." 
January 13, 2004 I write, As I read this (my journal) I feel confirmation that it is true. I'd have to admit I work to fix everything. God help me to trust. Help me to learn Your word and trust You to handle my family...

Little did I know that a month later we would receive a phone call from our brother-in-law telling us that our sister had tried to kill herself. He called asking what to do. They have 5 children. That began years of our extended family walking an unknown path of learning to trust and heal. I couldn't fix this. 

Then 4 months later our son-in-law (age 21) began seeing double which led us down a path of discovering Thymic Carcinoid Carcinoma, an incurable cancer. I couldn't fix this.

 And within a month of the diagnosis my beloved husband crashed, physically, mentally and emotionally. I couldn't fix this either. Over the course of 2004 everything in our life changed, except God.

By September 16th, 2004  (seven years ago today) my sister-in-law was struggling with depression and an unhealthy marriage but she was dealing with it. Our son-in-law was finding as much medical help as was offered and moving to the Twin Cities for a new job he thought he could do longer "if he got really sick".  And Mark, my husband had survived a month of being completely incapacitated, recognized his need for help and was willing to receive it. We were packing our bags and on September 17th left for Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado. An intensive counseling time for couples in ministry. (Finding that place and getting to go is a God-story all of it's own)

Fast forward to today, 7 years later. I'm helping Mark pack again. This time it's for a return trip to the place we lived at the time of "the crash".  7 years to the day later of a tangible step of faith towards healing Mark will be ministering to men in a way he did not do prior to the crash. He will be completely transparent with them. How or Why? Because God has taught him that keeping secrets makes you sick and hurts all those around you.

What about me? I could never have imagined how God was going to teach me to really trust Him with my family. It was a painful, scary at times journey. It has been simple, trust God. But I didn't say it's been easy. It has not. We are all much healthier now. I "fix" less and "trust" more. I don't do it perfectly nor will I till I meet Jesus face to face. I live enjoying the moments more and I'm learning that's a great way to live! I'm here 7 years later to testify to God's faithfulness in loving and protecting my family through some pretty tough times.  This week I begin leading a Bible Study called "When I Lay My Issac Down" by Carol Kent. It's all about trusting God through "unthinkable circumstances." I couldn't have done this 7 years ago.
I'm also here declaring this particular season of brokeness and healing COMPLETE.  How good is our God who seven years later will call us to share our life with others so that Lord willing they can learn from God's word and our experiences. Will you join me in praising God for all that He has done and pray that the men Mark will be sharing with will receive whatever God has for them?

Our Extravagant God

Most of you know I have this "thing" about our "extravagant God" but it's been awhile since we've chatted about it.  Just to bring any of you who don't know me up to speed.  I have been fascinated with our limitless God since I was a kid. But in a special time in our lives as Bible Conference Directors we were a part of a team who picked a theme for each year's conference. Each year when the theme was picked our family began a journey led by God to teach us about that theme. 2004 the theme was  "Marvelous Grace, Matchless Love, Extravagant God" based around Ephesians 3:14-20.  The word "extravagant" is only used in a Bible paraphrase called The Message and interestingly it caused quite a stir. Thus began the adventure of experiencing our extravagant God.  There is much to this story but I'll save that for another time.  This week's lesson began like this:

In March we took a much needed week long vacation in a place that showed God's extravagance through nature. Isn't it gorgeous?!  During that week we also enjoyed something much less majestic and much more practical - a king-sized bed! :)  We talked later about how it would be nice to have a king-sized bed someday. Our bedroom is big enough for it so that's no problem but we have one of those TempurPedic type beds and love it. That's a problem because they are pricey.  So we just left the thought there.

Sometime later it appeared that we were going to acquire a little money that we hadn't expected and we decided if that worked out we would look at a king-sized bed. It didn't work out but the wish still lingered.

Friday was a very hot day and Friday night, date night needed an indoor activity. We decided to go "window shopping" - you guessed it for a king-sized bed. Guess what? They were "on sale" - $200.00 off through Sunday. Low end $2500.00 - High end $8000.00. CRAZY!  We left thinking it would be a long time before we got one of those beds.

Saturday I began to search Craigs list for an end table and what did I see?  Someone just listed a KING-SIZED TEMPURPEDIC BED, LESS THAN 2 YEARS OLD, PERFECT CONDITION $1000.00.  You guessed it! We got it!

And do you see that Head and Foot-board?  We not only got the mattress we got the frame AND when we got home our neighbor-man and 3 of his young friends pitched in and we had our old bed tore apart, moved and the new one set up in less than one hour! That huge mattress is heavy but they helped my husband haul it up.  NOW THAT IS EXTRAVAGANT.  We purchased it all for AT LEAST $3000.00 less than it would have cost new (with the frame). 

Please don't get me wrong. God's extravagance is not always in tangible things. In 2004 we saw His extravagance through generous love of friends helping us in a multitude of ways while our family was in crisis. And the more than 270,000 species of flowers that are documented are testimony to His extravagance through creation. When our God does something, He goes all out!  So celebrate with me. Tell me one of your stories of His extravagance in your life.

Matters of the Heart and Valentines Day

Valentines Day is fast approaching. You can't avoid it but more and more I hear people say they really don't appreciate it. They don't like thinking they got a gift just because "it's the thing to do". And there's always the fact that the common gifts dramatically go up in price. My girls and I have all told our husbands NOT to buy flowers at Valentines Day. They are just way over-priced at this time of year. (Even though the color is nice in amongst our snowy white midwest wonderland.)

So what can you do to show your spouse you love them?  Don't make it so complicated. Have some fun. First of all remember that if you are puzzled at what to do, chances are your spouse is too. So why don't we make it easy this year.  Talk to your spouse now, ahead of Valentines Day. Agree to make a list of 10 things you'd like to receive or do sometime and give it to your spouse along with a card or a little something for them with the idea that you can "celebrate" at least 10 times in the upcoming months. For example I would like: (in no particular order)
1. a gift card to a coffee shop for two drinks (one to share with a friend)
2. a gift certificate for a "no work after work night" - He'll take care of supper and clean up etc. I get to read or scrapbook or pick the movie to watch.
3. a bag of M & M's
4. a gift card that allows me to have a "talk time" with him about the subject(s) of my choice with no time limit.
5. a trip to the zoo
6. a date to a "live show" of any kind
7. a walk or bike ride with destination spot (somewhere to stop and enjoy the surroundings)
8. Permission and encouragement to take a whole day to read and write
9. a new piece of clothing or a gift certificate to shop for one
10. Dinner at a new restaraunt

Remember your list is things YOU would like to have or do. Be honest because you will probably get/do some of these things in the upcoming year.  Share something you would like to help the rest of us think.

Check out the link above on Thursdays for more thoughts on marriage and love.

Matters of the Heart

Today is my parents 47th wedding anniversary. 47 years ago my father married my mother. After dropping out of school in the 8th grade to help support his family through the depression, then going to serve in the Korean war and then returning home to be a bachelor farmer Dad married my Mom. Their marriage is a true example of two phrases that fascinate me in scripture, different versions depending on your translation, "set his heart or determined in his heart" and with "your whole heart." Several of God's commands say do it "...with your whole heart." People in scripture "set their hearts."  Setting in your heart is making a decision ahead of time and with your whole heart, well that's obvious. Back to Dad, he married my Mom in 1946 in a small community in southwest Iowa where everybody  knew everybody and when being a single mom was not nearly so prevalent as it is today. He not only got Mom, he got my brother and I. He determined in his heart this was the thing to do and he gave us his whole heart. He ignored the talk around town and loved us like his own from day one and so did his whole family I might add. Dad took us in and completely committed himself to loving all of us. Through the smart-alec talk of young teenagers, broken curfews, ball games and music lessons.He was there. He legally adopted us as soon as he was able. We have his name. We are his children.

Today, Dad continues with his lifelong decision. They are off the farm now, living in town where Dad takes care of my mother with Alzheimers. I haven't mentioned how he also opened his heart to Mom's whole family and now has 3 widowed sister-in-laws which he helps with in any way he can. And then there is the 94 year old neighbor man...well you get the idea. When I was younger I didn't understand my Dad's quiet witness of love. He's not a talker. He shows you the love of God by example. I'll never forget the day or two before and the day of their farm sale. Men just kept showing up to help, most were close neighbors but others drove miles to come and help. They told my brother and I countless stories of times my Dad had been there for them and that they were pleased to be able to help him back. He made a difference in their lives because when he was a young man he determined in his heart to give his whole heart to loving God and loving his neighbor like himself." I get it now. It's a matter of the heart.

As we consider relationships and "matters of the heart" this month think about your "heart".  Have you given in wholly to God? Are you all in? My Dad's commitment effected my life and is still. If we live "all in for Christ" who might we effect? What's stopping you? Let's do this together!

What are you celebrating?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything but that's because I'm contemplating many things. Life is so interesting.  I am very curious why very generally speaking we tend to be so negative. Even when something good happens we tend to celebrate briefly and always tell the down side of things.


I'd like to celebrate a few things. I have an amazing husband. He's fun, interested in lots of things and loves Jesus. My kids are also great people. All four of them truly care about people and have a wide variety of friends.  They like simple things like just being together, playing games and watching movies.

 I love the colors of nature. There must be 100's of shades of green plus all the other colors in flowers, trees, animals and even bugs!


I'm a music lover. Isn't it amazing all the styles of music.  I can like almost anything except the really hard head banging loud electronic sounding stuff.

Lastly for right now I'm celebrating that there is a sovereign God of the universe that not only created me but loves me, truly loves me. No conditions, no performances, God loves me. (He loves you too.)
What are you celebrating today?

Chosen

Over the past few years in my role as a nurse I've had the honor of helping some adoptive families with the adoption process and actually welcoming their child into their family. It is so much fun to see their faces and hear their stories. As is true when you have your own biological child - you aren't in control of everything but the important part is the child coming into your life. Ephesians 1:4-5 tells us God CHOSE us. Isn't that an amazing thought? "For He chose us in him before the creation of the world...to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will". He chose us before he even created the world he had us in mind. He thought about us. What we would look like, who we would know, where we would live, what colors we would like and how strong we would be. I'm sure he smiled just thinking about us, just like we do when we think about those we love in our life.
God wants us to celebrate life, to sing and to dance in His presence. Psalm 5:11 says, "Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Let's celebrate being chosen today. Instead of fussing over every little thing and trying to "control" everything. Enjoy the day! YOU ARE CHOSEN - WANTED - LOVED!