Marriage Monday - Where is Your Focus?

It's fun to look through "blogland" and see that marriage is a pretty common topic of discussion. (especially on Mondays it appears) That is encouraging to me because I (we) have learned through practical experience that marriages don't just bloom and grow automatically.  Mark and I read a devotion on our way home from our weekly road trip that brought up a simple observation.  A man who works with marriages alot compared asking an engaged woman and a married woman about their man.  He stated that when he asks an engaged gal she can easily go on for 10 minutes telling him all the great traits and abilities of her fiancee'. He said that most often when he asks a married woman she tells him of all the things her husband isn't or does not do.  How sad is that?

I know this is an accurate observation from our experience mentoring. Pre-marital mentoring is full of smiles and giggles, dreams and goals. We are starting a new couple this week. It will be fun. Marriage mentoring is a whole different experience. If there is not complete uncontrolled anger, then there is hurt and fear with much more caution in the words. Sometimes there is just this lost look. They are unsure what to say and where to start.  What happens?  Well there is no one answer that can answer that however I do have a thought that seems pretty universal. We allow "life" to get in the way. We become distracted.  We gradually get sucked into the mentality that what everyone else thinks is really important in our life. We think we need to be working harder to get the next promotion at work. We need to be home room mom for all of our kids at least every other year. We need to be a part of that hobby group and then there is always the church activities.  Teaching Sunday school isn't enough we need to help with the women's ministry and fix food for every funeral or birth that happens. Men, you  aren't off the hook. You do the same thing with different activities. What happens to your relationships, marriage in particular? The answer? They get very little of your "first" energy, time or attention.  I don't know about you but when I'm tired my patience, enthusiasm, creativity...well about anything good is not at it's best and my tongue tends to be very short and sharp. Why? Because life becomes all about "me." I am busy. I need to get this or that done. I need...and you are interrupting my plan or maybe even adding something to my list. Sound familiar?

This past week I was a bit overwhelmed with life, mostly mentally. Mark and I have come a long ways in our nearly 31 years. I didn't express my feelings through anger or tears. I did think a couple of times, "he can't know where I'm at if I don't tell him." So without making a huge issue I mentioned that I was "swimming mentally". He got it. He "took care of himself" more than normal last week. He allowed me to be quiet.  I worked hard to  see what really needed to be done and do that and not worry too much about the rest of my "list."  Our weekend ended with our ministry in another town letting us know there was a community event happening at 2:30 that we "could stay for..." Mark very graciously looked at me and said, while he was sure we would enjoy it we needed to go home. His wife needed a break before starting the week all over again. Perfect! There was a time in our life when we both would have thought we had to stay, totally because of other people's expectations. No more. We will serve them better when we stay focused and rested. What about you? How do you put your marriage relationship at the top of the priority list? Do you, personally realize that you can't do everything? This is a lesson we need to be talking about to help each other and ourselves learn because it is counter-cultural right now.

Marriage Monday - Do you have Boundaries?

So as the beautiful, filled up morning unfolds I am struck with a question. Where are the boundaries in marriage?  Are there boundaries in marriage? I believe there are. Why should there be when "the two become one"? I mean if we are truly "one" then isn't everything in our lives overlapping, shared by both?
My answer is yes and no. Yes, we have become one. We should have unlimited access in the form of trust and care and love. Because of that trust and care and love we are here to serve each other. Helping each other fully live life should be one of our top goals. Helping each other means telling the truth out of love, not always complying just to "keep him happy." But honestly helping your spouse because you love them - sometimes that includes saying no. Why are they asking you to help them with their project? Do they really need help or have they taken on too much again and they are drowning? If they are it's your job to determine how to best help them. Do you actually help them get it done while reserving a time to talk about not always saying "yes" to everything that is asked of you or do you say no, because you've talked about this several times and they need to walk through the consequences of their choices? Then think about your side. Why do you want to say "no?" Are you mad at them for getting into this "too busy" position? Are they "interrupting" your plans? Do you know how to help?

Do you have "boundaries" in your marriage? Are there things that are totally yours to take care of and things that are your spouse's? How does that work for you? Do you think there is one right way?

Marriage Monday - Personalities

This morning as I think about marriage relationships I'm thinking about personalities. Have you and your spouse ever done one of those inventories where you answer questions and they "diagnose" your personality?  We've done two in the 30+ years of our marriage and Mark did another one for work one time. I just looked at them.  They were pretty accurate from my point of view. They did change a bit over the years but only a little.  I observed my parents as I helped them over the weekend.  My "quiet, steady" father is still generally "quiet and steady" but the wear and tear of constant care for my mother shows. He is bolder and more assertive with her than I've ever seen. It's totally appropriate in their case as Mom's Alzheimers has left her in a more child-like state.  Then I was visiting with a couple yesterday. During the course of the conversation the gentleman said, "See I'm a Lion. I like lists. I wake up in the morning knowing what I intend to do. She is not. (referring to his wife) It takes her a long time to make decisions..."

Your personality really does effect your relationships. That's pretty obvious. However, I think we forget that simple point at times. We know how we like things but we might forget that they way we like things effects those around us. For example, if I'm working on a project and have to stop before it is done, I would rather leave it all out so I can easily start again. Not so for my husband. He likes things put away where you can't see them lying around. It's a distraction for him to see stuff laying out. To me it's a reminder of what is left to do and a quicker way to get started again. He's the kind of guy who likes those built in covers for storing your counter top appliances. I like them out where you can grab them and get started. The thing is "stuff" is really a distraction for him. Once I learned that I've have tried harder to keep the "stuff" at a minimum around our house. The compromise is I have an area that I call "mine". The purpose is so I can work on my projects without bothering him. Now and then when he pokes his head in, he still rolls his eyes. My counter still has too much stuff "out" for his taste, but I don't worry about it. It's my space!

So I'm asking today, have you and your spouse ever done personality quizzes? If so, what did you learn?  I've talked before about the 5 Love Languages. They are a similar deal. Do you know what your "love language" is? I'd like to hear if either of these tools has helped your relationships. Personality and language does not only effect your marriage but all your relationships. It's helpful to know these things for understanding work styles too.

Wellness Wednesday - Resources

When it comes to wellness there are literally thousands of resources easily available to all of us. The problem is knowing which ones you can trust.  As a woman who has been a nurse for 30 years here is my best advice:
1. Know the source. (period)

• The person or place you are getting your information from needs to be someone you know and trust or that has a great recommendation from someone you know and trust.
• Their main goal should not be to sell you something.  They may have product or services to sell but listen to how they approach you.  Are they asking questions about you and your symptoms/concerns?  Then do they find out what you have already done? Do they speak positively of anything other than their own products/services? Do they ever say, "I don't know about that?"
• Trust your gut. Usually we know when someone is "twisting our arm" or it sounds "too good to be true." Walk away or try something they recommend but never quit prescription medicine without checking with your provider or pay them large sums of money before checking them out further.

The truth is healthy living is mainly common sense. If it doesn't make sense it probably won't work. God created our body to be a very inter-related system. With very few exceptions there is almost no part of our body that is not connected to another part for a purpose. So when we do something to one part we have to think how that relates to the next part.  This is something we often over look. For example, my nose is running so I take an antihistamine to "dry it up."  What else does it dry up in my body? (everything) Do I realize that if I tend to be constipated that an antihistamine could increase that possibility if I don't also increase my fluid intake. (and not with caffeine!)

It's our hope here at Treasure Chest Ministries to help you sort through the maze of information available and help you find the truth, not only in your physical life but your spiritual and emotional life as well. We intend to do this by sharing life. Sharing what we have learned and are learning. We can expand our knowledge if you share with us what you are learning too.  After all, He came to "give life to the full!" (John 10:10b)

Tell me one helpful, reliable healthy living resource you have found.

Here's an inexpensive way to get some health education in the Des Moines Area. Check out the "Mini-Medical School" at Des Moines University. Five nights of "school" for anyone interested! http://www.dmu.edu/event/mini-medical-school/

Wellness Wednesday - A Community of Sharing

Happy New Year! 2012 is here and again words I'm hearing a lot of is "simple", "unclutter", "re-organize", along with the proverbial "exercise" and "eat right". These words are in my vocabulary too. They're not new to me but it's a new year, a great time to restart or re-energize something that may be lagging in your life.

One of the reasons I wanted to blog about wellness is that it is such a broad topic and nearly everyone is interested in it in some way. However, there is SO MUCH information out there it is hard to wade through the seemingly endless information and figure out what is actually true, #1 and #2 what actually applies to you.  I've had that problem for years. As a nurse I'm pretty aware of major health trends. However, they change on a regular basis. How do I know what to really pay attention too? Also many things seem just too radical for me. I'm a pretty basic type person. I like to keep life simple. I'm definetly NOT a great chef in the kitchen.  I like to try new recipies but not the complicated ones. All that said, Wellness Wednesdays are for us "regular people" who want to be healthy but need help sifting through all of the information out there.  Won't you join us on our quest?  Share what you have learned, whether it is something that works or doesn't work.  I do not sell any particular products but I am happy to share my personal opinion on things I've tried and I'm hoping you will do the same so I don't have to try everything! (I'm smiling)  Share in the comments here or on my Facebook page one simple thing that is helping you become or stay healthy, a habit, a program, a product. Don't forget real health encompasses all of you, spirit, mind and body.

This week I'd like to share with you that my friend, Shari has opened her doors (& her heart) to help people to better health physically, mentally and spiritually. Her own journey towards health has led her to become educated in nutrition and essential oils. This month she is offering the following special for those who can come to the Des Moines area.

Have you ever wondered what wellness products your body really needs? If so, I am offering a FREE digital body scan (a $20 value) for the month of January. The scan itself only takes about 15 minutes. It's fun and painless so feel free to bring a friend! Call me at 515-321-4756 or email me at Shari@holistic-journeys.com to schedule an appointment. Schedule your appointment soon as times are limited! For information on how the scan works go to: https://www.zytocompass.com/LearnMore.aspx.

Goal Setting

It's December 30th. We will be leaving shortly to head to the wedding of a dear friend but in the meantime it's one of my favorite times of the year. It's the end of this year and the start of another. A time of reflection and dreaming of the future, making plans, and exploring possibilities.  I really like this time.  I like looking back in my journal and being reminded of all that has gone on in the past year(s).  Not just the "big" stuff - I can remember that without my journal but the little things, the details of the big stuff that might otherwise get forgotten/missed and the personal little things that often develop into something significant in my life. It's a time of celebration of what has happened and looking forward.  I strongly believe in journaling but if that terminology intimidates you or just doesn't appeal to you at the very least I would encourage you to do this:

1. Make a list of all the things you can think of that happened this past year that you are thankful for.  Don't let the little things slip by - like being home when a friend you haven't seen in years stopped by.

2. Make a list of some goals for 2012. I'd suggest one thing for your physical well being, one thing for your spirit and one that's good for your soul - something to enrich your individual life.  Why write them down? Because if you don't you will lose track of them and possibly never accomplish them.  After you've written them up, mark your calendar quarterly for the next year. Mark a day to review your goals. (You don't have to take a whole day - just review them on this day) This will help to keep you focused and on the road to accomplishing your goals.  Now, does this guarantee that you will accomplish all of your goals? No. I've missed more than I've made but I've gotten alot further for taking the time to figure out where I'm headed and what I need to do to get there.  Remember this is a grace-filled life. God's mercies are "new every morning." So if you miss your goal, you just start again!

My husband and I revise our "spending plan" each and every year based on past expenses, known upcoming expenses and our goals for that year.  Last year we set it knowing we had some medical bills and we chose to do some work on our house.  We achieved our goals of paying off all of those bills. However, in the past 6 months we quit paying close attention to some of the smaller things coming our way, some of the "little details". End result, we have to really buckle down the purse-strings for the next few months. For the time being this canceled our vacation. RATS. Good lesson with very little actual "pain".  We are very blessed to be able to pay all of the bills we had and have way more "things" than many, many people. We're fine - in fact we're more than fine. This little bump caused us to talk, again about what is really important to us and re-focus on what we want to do with our life.  I share this little piece of our life to encourage you to write down your goals AND to review them on a regular basis.  Keep the "main thing the main thing"!

Anybody else want to share a goal setting story, success or failure??

Wellness Wednesday - Take Some Time

Today's wellness thought is not involved but it's not always easy.  Take some time to be quiet. Yes, that is what I said, quiet.  Shut off the TV and the music.  Find a corner away from the rest of the family.  That may mean you need to go somewhere outside your home, or maybe just to the basement and shut the door.  I suggest beginning by taking time to be thankful for all you have and the people in in your life. Then just ask God what He wants to tell you and then, be quiet.  It's hard but just let your mind think through it's thoughts. The pace will eventually slow and you may or may not "land" on a thought that you just can't "shake" off.  Write that thought down and really ponder it. (Ponder, isn't that a great word) Soak in that thought.  If you are lead look up a verse that seems to tie to your thought but don't rush to do an involved, all-inclusive study of the all the verses connected to the original one. Just stay put.  Your time may not be enough to "finish" the thought. That's okay.  When you have to physically move on you still have your note to yourself.  Return to that note in the days to come until you feel that you have worked it all the way through and come to a conclusion, conviction or plan. Record that outcome -and date it.  You may need to come back to it in the upcoming year to remind yourself what the Lord told you.

This kind of time keeps up from being swayed by everything that comes into or by our lives. Some of them very good ideas but they might not be for you at this point in your life. We are happier, more content and peace-filled when we know who God is, who we are, and where we are headed.  We may not know all the details of any of those areas but that's where faith comes in!

Would you share where you go or how you "get quiet"?  You just might encourage someone else to try.

Wellness Wednesday

I was struck this morning with the simplicity of doing the right thing.  We make this wellness thing so hard.  We need lots of tests and books and exercise equipment and kitchen tools. Special food bought from special "health" stores not to mention calming candles, soothing music, lights...well you get the idea.  This morning I was reading in 2 Timothy 3:10-17.  I suggest you read it for yourself in your favorite version of the Bible or maybe even in several versions. I love doing that to try to discover some different perspectives on what the words mean. Now, with wellness in mind listen to these words:

 You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, 

my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, persecutions, sufferings 

- what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch...

Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them.

In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted...

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of,

because you know those from whom you learned it...

Please note I do not have any kind of educational degree in Biblical interpretation but here is my take on this.  Paul is basically saying you know and see my life. You know that my purpose is faith, patience, love  which sounds like a stellar Christian life so far. He continues including endurance, persecutions and sufferings.  To a certain extent if you've been around the Christian faith very long you know that some suffering and persecution is a part of the package. However did you notice that word,  endurance. Hmmm, he is noting that we need to have endurance as a part of our life.  I can't think of a better way in this life to learn endurance than in your favorite exercise of choice.  In order for it to benefit you have to stick with it! Walking one day or even for a week or two is a great start but you won't reap much benefit if you don't keep it up.

Let's move on for a minute, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of.

We have all heard or read what we need to do for exercise and food intake.  There are many, many articles written and published every day on this topic. We just need to do what we know to be true. What I believe may be different than what you believe - but you have to do it, consistently, or what was that word? Endure. You need to endure doing the right thing.  I believe that we are better off the more we eat what I call "real food."  I have come to the conclusion that I would rather eat food made from scratch than from a powder in a box.  I would rather have food without sugar substitutes made by man and just have a smaller portion than more of one full of chemicals.  Now, will you find a macaroni and cheese box mix in my cupboard? Yep, and you will find frozen pizzas in the freezer. Sometimes you just need something easy and fast. (I know there are healthy ways to eat easy and fast too) What I am saying is I just need to live each day making decisions that are consistent with what I believe. Can their be exceptions? Yes and without guilt and condemnation!  In all the thousands of articles regarding health research, the consistent theme is you have to eat equal or less calories than you burn in a day to maintain or lose weight. This decreases your chances of developing many major diseases. (period)  No fancy words. No high priced plans. No complicated schedules. Simple. Eat food with nutritional value in reasonable amounts.  Can you have a treat? Sure. Just let it be what it is - a treat, not a regular occurance. 

By the way, this same simple principle applies to exercise.  We just need to do it on a regular basis. It needs to be a part of our life just like work and eating. It is necessary to keep you active and healthy.

I'd love to hear one thing that you "have learned and become convinced of" in your life. Don't be shy. Others might need to hear what you have learned to reinforce what they are considering.  If you have a question why don't you ask that as well. Someone may have the answer!  This is all about living life in community.

 

The Marriage Mirror

One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, "Here's to helping you discover what you are really like."

Gary and Betsy Ricucci

 Wow, I've never thought of it quite like that before but it is so true, if we're willing to admit it. My husband had an outpatient surgery last Wednesday.  This was a scheduled event. Actually it was the 3rd year in a row that he has had some sort of surgery in December after the really physical part of his work is done for the year. The few days following surgery are a mixed blessing for me.  I have to admit, I love that I have a legitimate reason to say "no" to everything. My husband needs me you know. So as in years past we came home and settled him into his recliner with a couple of movies ready to be played. Pain meds, check, water, check, blankets, check...well you get the idea. Once he was settled (and after I took a nap - it was a very early morning) I started in on some of the household chores I had been putting off, being quiet of course and checking on him often.  That lasted through the night of setting the alarm every 4 hours for pain meds and resettling him in the recliner the next day. Then reality began to hit.  The Christmas shopping isn't done. Oh well, we can do some of that by internet and make a plan for the local shopping. Maybe he'll feel like going out in a couple of days. Oh and there's that budget report I need to do for Treasure Chest Ministries. I can't finish it without his input. And last but not least, the clinic where I work is still a bit short staffed AND we switched to electronic medical records in October. That means we have inputting to do which requires extra time. Guess what? Those of us who are not full-time are expected to fill in these gaps. 2 1/2 months later...I'm really tired of this expectation. I get anxious about my responsibilities at work...and at home. I get crabby. I start thinking. I start fussing. I start getting short-tempered. Notice anything?  All of the sudden life is ALL ABOUT ME!  Instead of serving my husband who could really use the help I'm wanting him to take care of himself AND help me figure out what to do and when to do it. Wow, that turned around in a hurry. Hmmm, back to the top. Marriage can be a mirror to show us what we are really like.  I don't like what I see in this circumstance. I became very self-centered very quickly. That caused my attitude to change from servant to take care of yourself, from patient to not patient, from kind to well let's just say not as kind. Nasty. I didn't like who I saw when I took the time to look. 

The good news is that marriage is for a lifetime. My husband loves me and is my best friend. I apologized and asked for his forgiveness. He was so gracious to even allow some talk time to figure out what the root of my anxiousness actually is instead of just leaving it at surface value. You know what? Looking in the mirror this morning I see a more peace-filled woman. Thanks God. Thanks Mark.

What about you? Have you ever thought about your marriage or significant relationships as a chance to look in the mirror?

Wellness Wednesday...On Thursday!

Hello! It's been awhile. I apologize. Our Thanksgiving holiday was spent with our kids and lasted until the Monday following Thanksgiving.  Our children are both married and spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas with us and the other with their in-laws.  We thoroughly enjoy them and like to make the most of the time they are with us. We love that they enjoy their families too so we fully support them in spending dedicated time with their in-laws as well.

Over the past two weeks I've had repeated occasions to think about health.  My mother has Alzheimers and has recently taken another step of decline. My mother-in-law has a very healthy mind but her body is failing. My husband was told by his doctor at his pre-hernia operation physical that he has very healthy organs (heart, lungs etc) but his body (joints etc) are his weak link. I struggle with losing the 10-15 pounds I've put on over the past 10 years which causes fatigue. My extremely physically fit niece struggles with celiac disease to the point that it "benches" her from playing college volleyball.

I am more convinced than ever that God created us body, mind and soul, totally integrated.  One does not operate without the other. Thus when one part is out of balance or has any kind of problem, every part of your being is effected in some way. As I visit with others about this I am finding that most people say they agree. However, I'm finding most of us (yes, including me) don't live like it.  Most anyone you talk to would tell you that consuming alcohol or illegal drugs in large quantities on a regular basis is a problem and will cause trouble. My brother who has smoked since he was a young teenager will tell you that smoking cigarettes is a problem and they aren't illegal.  He'll tell you they take money from your budget as well as only cause problems physically. There are no "pluses" for smoking and that comes from a seasoned veteran of smoking - not me. But what about being addicted to carbs or caffeine or choosing comfort foods to console or reward yourself on a regular basis.  What about sitting down and staring at the TV night in and night out with no form of physical exercise on your calendar? Often I don't even think about it. I just start planning what "treat" I can have when I get home or while I'm running errands. After all I've "worked hard all day" or I'm doing "this" all by myself. I deserve a "reward/treat".  However rewards or treats are supposed to be occasional, something to really look forward too, not an everyday occurrence.

I'm reading a great, but very convicting book by Gary Thomas, "Every Body Matters".  You can check it out here http://www.garythomas.com/home  In it, he refers to a Christian physician, Dr. Scott VanLue who became convinced that he needed to stop simply treating the symptoms and start addressing the underlying problems in his patients' lives. After nearly a decade of practicing traditional medicine, in which he saw thirty to forty patients a day, Scott came to the conclusion, "I'm not really helping anybody here; I'm just giving out meds."  Soon after that the author says one thing that particularly grieved Dr. VanLue is "seeing people gradually grow comfortable with their poor state of health, even when they can do something about it." Okay, now he is stepping on my toes...maybe my whole foot.  I turned 50 this year and while in good health I have put on approximately 15 pounds over the past 10 years,  allowed a known neck problem to grow to a painful state before doing anything about it, (repeatedly) and tried to deal with intermittent bouts of IBS with meds rather than finding the root cause. Most all of us want to feel better, be a little slimmer or in better shape but we want to do it without too much work or inconvenience. We just don't have time to take care of ourselves. Hmmm, what's wrong with that statement?  I can already hear you.  "I don't have time because I have a job, kids or parents to care for, church work to do, classes to take...need I go on?  I can say all of most of those things myself BUT maybe it's time we really settle down and look at the scriptures.  As Christians we are members of the Body of Christ. We are a part of the Body, not the whole Body.  We need to be obedient to do our part. Then we need to stop and let others do their part.It's hard because we see the needs and we perceive that if we see the need, it is our job to fill the need. That is sometimes but not always true. The media and society have developed an image that we as individuals take and believe that we are to fulfill. It's thin, muscular, pretty, rich, and able to do all things. The truth is that is we can not expect to be like everyone around us.  We need to live in the bodies God created us with, but we do need to make choices to be the best us we can be, whatever that looks like in our own lives. I'm taller than many women, love people but need my time away from them, love to learn and to teach. That in and of itself makes me different than some of my friends and family.  I shouldn't strive to do be and do like them.  I wonder what would happen if we all took some time to figure out what we need to do to get ourselves in good physical, emotional and spiritual health and then did it.  I'm going to spend some time exploring this. Want to join me?

It's a Heart Thing - Unthinkable Circumstances

So I've been pondering, mulling over, camping out on, and yes, even thinking about things. This last chapter in the study of "unthinkable circumstances" is my favorite. It puts words on my heart's thoughts.

I'm convinced most of us live life just trying to "keep up." Keep up with our job and home responsibilities, the kids' activities, church responsibilities and a hobby or two. Why? Because that is what life is in America, right? That's the "American dream" - work and a home, family, friends, hobbies and money to retire on. But what if that's not "really  living?"  My husband and I are singing the song, "Blessings" by Laura Story in Church tomorrow.  I've been mulling over the lyrics for weeks. If you don't know it you can listen to it here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  The last chorus goes like this:

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments,
or the aching of this life
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life,
the rain, the storms, the hardest nights
 are Your mercies in disguise?
 

 

I "get" that thought.  I've always felt a little "different" than most of those around me. That's hard when you grow up in a very small community where there isn't much variety in people. But I know now it's not because I was "different" than them. I just learned earlier than most of them that this is not my home, not really.  My heart is sold out on Jesus. And now that I've experience a tiny, tiny bit of his suffering through the death of our son-in-law, grief of our daughter, depression and adultery of my husband, moving away from our  ministry and friends, my priorities are solidified. It doesn't really matter what it takes to get us there but we need to experience God's love, forgiveness, grace and faithfulness. Once we do there is the same. Nothing is better than spending time in His presence and then sharing Him with others. The best way to share with others is to be real. To be His hands, feet and maybe most importantly His ears. People need to be heard. That is showing them love. They don't care if you have "the answer". They just need to know that someone heard them. Someone heard their heart, not just listened a moment, said "there, there" quoted a verse and said "I'll pray for you." They need a hug, possibly tears or help packing their boxes or finding a ride to the hospital or grocery store. When they are ready to really hear the reason behind your actions, you'll know it. They usually ask.

These days I don't participate in as many activities as I used to, Church stuff or otherwise. I am getting to know my co-workers better. I'm listening more and talking less. (I know that's hard for some of you to believe but it's true!) I spend daily time with my Lord and Savior. I know I will never be completely content until I meet Jesus face to face. In the meantime this is an amazing life He has given me to live even though it's not exactly the way I pictured it. It's a heart thing.

 

Lessons from the Leaves

I didn't get anything posted yesterday mostly because I couldn't "land" on a subject. I figure if there are too many thoughts floating around in my mind and spirit there are too many to share. This morning I'm still considering something I noticed Saturday while working with my husband to take care of the leaves on the 17 acres of property we live on. (It's a part of his business)  Due to an early heavy wet snow he had "lost" time in the process so it was all hands on deck Saturday.  I didn't mind. There is a strange feeling of accomplishment in working hard, getting dirty and being able to see what you have done, even if just for a few minutes.

The weather was gorgeous and I was enjoying being outside.  While working to get the deep accumulation of leaves out from an inlet between two homes I suddenly had this thought, "I wonder if this is what God feels like sometimes? He sends us out only to watch us come back to the same corner, hiding with the walls high around us."  I wonder if He feels like saying, "Jody the way out is so obvious.There is really only one way out. It's my way." Now once were out of our hiding place there are infinite opportunities but getting out, well that's another story.

Then I was noticing the colors. Who knew there was a path between green to orange or red? God does. He created trees and leaves with this extravagant show of beauty. There were so many shapes and colors and sizes! (Hmmm, just like there are so many different kinds of people)

Then I thought about how the fallen leaves can be good to protect flower beds but too many leaves left on the ground can kill the growth underneath.

Well, can you see where I'm going with this. The Bible says that if we don't praise the Lord "the rocks will cry out." God's creation can speak to us, teach us if only we will listen. What is God saying to you this season? What do you see in the leaves of the trees or while watching animals store up for winter or even in just the temperature changing? Let's honor God today by sharing your thoughts? There is nothing too insignificant. Every detail no matter how small or great is purposefully placed there by God for YOU today! Enjoy!

Wellness Wednesday - Making Decisions

As I sit here this morning I must admit there are so many "wellness" topics it's hard to choose what to talk about. My friend Shari and I get together and share what we are learning about physical and spiritual wellness on a regular basis.  This is a time to share openly and honestly and then we always pray.  Truthfully this is the healthiest thing I do for myself.  There have been times when it is hard to say I'm going to take 2-3 hours "just for me".  BUT I know that I am better for having a safe place to be with a safe person who will listen, ask questions, love me no matter what and tell me the truth as she sees it.  I'm one of those people who mulls things over in my mind and heart.  When I do that one of two things can happen:
1. The lies get filtered out from the truth and a direction is determined.
2. The lies grow and grow and grow and the thoughts become bigger than life, distorted and no direction is determined.

Often I can tell the difference as I say things out loud to my friend.  Just hearing it spoken can sometimes show me the difference between the two sides of the subject I'm considering.  If not, my friend asks questions and we pray and God always finds a way through my thought processes.

Sometimes we use our time to sort out facts from fiction in the "wellness world". There are so many "health and wellness tips" out there. It's hard to determine what is factual.  We compare notes of life knowledge that we each have. We discuss the source and we think of trusted institutions or people that we can ask. My friend is taking classes on nutrition and holistic health and I am a nurse so we have a pretty good place to start. Right now I'm trying to sort out why I have Irritable Bowel type symptoms. I've tried several different approaches and so far not much success but it's looking like stress could be the biggest culprit. Between changes at work (which have infringed on my time with my friend) and trying to help my parents with some health issues I think I'm "stewing" inside.  I have a "date" with my friend on Friday.  That will help.

So my wellness thought for this day is to make sure that you have a safe place (person) to go to when you need to "sort out" the debate going on inside your mind.  This will help you make good decisions and bring more peace to you life.  What are some other things that help you make good decisions?

Unthinkable Circumstances - Faith and Perspective

When you are in the midst of your life's circumstance - whatever that may be - crisis, celebration or the mundane it is often hard to not have tunnel vision.  We often get so wrapped up in "me" that we miss much of life. There are times when we need to focus, concentrate and just do what is in front of us but I've come to believe that even in those times we need to share with a trusted family member or friend that that is what we are doing. Then we need to ask them to help us not stay isolated beyond the immediate need.  We also need those people to remind us that God is in control and we are not.

As we journey through discussing life and unthinkable circumstances I've asked some people I know to share. I will post those thoughts as I receive them. I believe our stories of life are important lessons that we all can learn from. Here is the current thought on faith through unthinkable circumstances from my daughter.  http://www.lifelovegreen.com/2011/11/when-i-lay-my-isaac-down-ch-6

I'd really love to hear from you. The people who were present Wednesday night at our group are stronger today because of two women sharing parts of their story of God walking them through (not around) some tough circumstances.  My daughter and I are sharing lessons we continue to learn after the main crisis of our life thus far has past.  Now I'm beginning to share lessons I'm learning while watching my father take care of my mother with Alzheimer's Disease, something he never dreamed of doing.  What are you learning?

Unthinkable Circumstances - Being Present

In Carol Kent's book, When I Lay My Issac Down, chapter 3 she acknowledges the "power of presence". She is referring to the power of someone being there for you.  Someone who is not expecting conversation, does not need to be overtly positive and busy doing something. They are just quietly there to support you.

When my husband completely crashed after our son-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of every day life plus my hurting family members.  My husband wanted me around 24/7 at that point in time. I remember feeling guilty when I needed some time to just do "regular" things like laundry and paying bills etc. Very early in that time period great friends Jeff and Dave would come and just sit in the room with my husband.  They didn't force conversation. They didn't insist on "doing" something. They didn't even audibly pray although I'm pretty sure that is what they were doing as they sat there so quietly.  They were present. It was a HUGE gift to us. We (my husband and I) both needed it.  I know that if I had asked them to do something (and sometimes I did) they would have but just being there was what we really needed.  To me that is a perfect picture of the love of Christ.  He is "there" for us. He is "present" in our lives.  He is waiting for us to acknowledge His love, His presence, His ability to help us.  Sometimes I forget this in the midst of life's circumstances. I forget that Christ is seated in the room with me, quietly watching and waiting for me to let Him help.  Sometimes His presence is all I need - a reminder that I'm not alone. Other times I need His help which he is more than willing to give.

Where-ever you are in your life circumstances remember that God is there with you. If you are on the other side of life right now but one of your friend or family is suffering maybe it's your time to go and be "present."  What are some other ways God has showed you His presence?

Control - A Simple Word

"Control" - It's such a simple word. It's not hard to pronounce or even to spell. But it IS so deceiving. We all think we want it, even need it. I often justify my need for control.  I love my family Lord, just let me help them, I think to myself. After all, I know what they need.

This weeks less on "relinquishment" goes far beyond "unthinkable circumstances". It deals with every day life for most if not all of us.  As I sit here this morning I can think of at least 3 situations in my life I'd love to "take care of"...however, (deep sigh) I know that I am not in charge. Nor do I need to be. God loves those I'm thinking of more than I do. He knows the number of the hairs on their heads. He created them and he'll take care of them. I need to "relinquish" them and their situations. I need to "give up my rights to control the person, dream, expectation, or preferred outcome of the object of my concern."  As a mother (yes, even of adult children) I sometimes think I could save my children so much heartache if they would just listen to me. I could tell them what they should be doing. Then they should do it and life would be great, less hurt, more joy.  However, if you have lived life at all we all know that they lessons we learn ourselves, decisions we make ourselves sink deeper into our souls then lessons we were "served on a silver platter."

When Mark and I were training to be marriage mentors two of the best lessons I learned were:
1.  It's ALWAYS better if you wait and allow the mentorees to say the answer themselves. Even when you know it and it seems so obvious but they aren't coming up with it. Let them think. Ask lots of questions but let them answer.
2. It's their marriage (life).  We can present the truth. We can offer to support them. We can pray. BUT it is their life.  It is their choice. It is not mine.

These lessons apply to all of life. As I said earlier there are at least 3 situations in the lives of people I love that I would like to "fix." I can't. But I can "relinquish" them to God who loves them more than I do. I can pray for them, for their protection in the process, for their ability to see and choose truth. After that, it's all up to God!  Will you join me? Take a minute to pray right now and give God the people,dream, expectation, or preferred outcome you are holding on to.

Communication - The Name of the Game

Communication really is "the name of the game."  You can't have a relationship with anyone if you don't communicate. I'm a little afraid of what cell phones and texting is doing to our ability to communicate. We are living in a world that expects everything instantly and conveniently.  If I want to tell you something I can e-mail it or text so as not to "interrupt" your day but not forget to tell you. However there is no real discussion. No seeing the other persons body language or hear the inflection in their voice. We can't see or hear those extra pieces of your communication that sometimes say way more than your words do.

You would think that after 30 years of marriage we would have communication figured out between the two of us. But this weekend we proved again that communication is something you just have to keep working at.  If you put your arms out in front of you. Imagine your hands as communication arrows. Now bend your arms at the elbow so your hands cross over one on top of the other one, but your arms do not touch each other. Now you have our scenario Saturday. One hand of communication is me and one is my husband.  We both talked and we both listened but we didn't "communicate."  We didn't really listen beyond the surface.  We certainly did not ask questions to clarify what the other was really meaning. We just assumed.  Plans got messed up and we were both frustrated and a little hurt.
AFTER the plans for the day were done (not in their original form) we talked. Late is better than not talking at all. It was really a very simple mis-understaning but we had to listen to one another setting our own agenda aside while the other person was talking.  I had to ask him what he really wanted to do and why versus just assuming I understood.  I also needed to let him know when he says things to me I really do listen and I make plans around what he tells me he is working on or wants to do. That means if he changes his mind or something comes up he needs to let me know that as well.

We (my husband and I) have the awesome privilege of having parents who have both been married 40 years, having been married 30 years ourselves, being in a small group of married couples who purposefully study marriage relationship stuff  and working with Marriage Matters which gives us opportunities to meet many other married couples. So as I said earlier you would think we should have this communication thing down pat, but we don't. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship, any relationship. You should never quit working on it. Do you struggle with good communication? What are some things that have helped you have clear communication?

Peace in Hard Times

I just haven't been able to shake thinking about my friend who told her story. A few years ago she lost her house to foreclosure. Neither she nor her husband understood the whole process and during this time one of their daughters got married. Obviously she had a lot to think about.  She said they moved out but were not able to do a full move all at once.  One day she came back with her car to get another load of their possessions and everything was gone!  Everything. The house had been sold and the new owners thought what was left had been "dumped" so they had it hauled away as trash. My friend commented that her husband was a guy who kept everything and that the garage was full when they last left.  So there are "things" from their life that are just plain gone. (period) No getting them back.  What a shock/loss! However, she said she is currently living in a place roughly a third of the size of that house and has never been more peace-filled. Her countenance backs up that statement.

I thought of her as I read something van Gogh said when referring to a painful season of his life, "As molting time - when they change their feathers - is for birds, so adversity or misfortune is the difficult time for us human beings.  One can stay in it - in that time of molting - one can also emerge renewed." Suffering is not abnormal. It is not to be avoided in this life. It is an aspect of God's grace to be accepted. To sacrifice your immediate desire is often how to fulfill your ultimate desire. Jesus endured the suffering of the cross because His ultimate goal was to obey His Father and save us from our sins, which brings Him great joy.

For me in a much less dramatic part of my life, choosing to go exercise when I'd really rather be reading or watching a movie is a minor "sacrifice" of my immediate comfort/pleasure for a long term health that I desire to have.  My friend chose to focus on what is long term important in her life rather than on the tangible things she lost. She has learned that God truly is her provider and she doesn't need as many "things" as she thought in order to be happy. God teaches us to give up things with only a "little" value to gain things of eternal value. We learn this through the pain of "trials" - things we don't choose but they happen and "discipline", things we do choose.

Dallas Willard writes: "It is absolutely essential to our growth into the "mind" of Jesus that we accept the "trials" of ordinary existence as the place where we are to experience and find the reign of God-with-us as actual reality. We are not to try to get in a position to avoid trials. And we are not to "catastrophize" and declare the "end of the world" when things happen." (emphasis mine)

When I relax and realize that God is walking with me through my circumstance I begin to watch for what He wants me to experience and learn.  The hurt doesn't necessarily go completely away but I will say the sting is much less. I know God loves me and ultimately if I will cooperate with Him I will come out of this season of hurt stronger.  What about you? Have you experienced this or are you experiencing this now? Are you in the midst of a season that you just can't "settle" with? Tell us, but more importantly tell God. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Unthinkable Circumstances

Elisa Morgan says, "There are moments when God makes utter and complete sense to us, and then suddenly life changes and he seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith...."(Lord), give us eyes to see your coming and going ears to hear your voice and your silence, hands to hold your presence and your absence, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons." It's those times of change, especially the ones that you weren't expecting that we are going to talk about on Fridays for the next 8 or 9 weeks.  There is a group of about a dozen women meeting on Wednesday nights in West Des Moines, Iowa to learn whatever truths we can glean together.  If you live in the area and would like to join us you are more than welcome. Leave me a comment and I'll get you the details. However there were a few women who couldn't come at that time so we are going to "blog study" together and we are inviting you to join us.

Carol Kent wrote a book called "When I Lay my Isaac Down" (our discussion book) in which she uses the term "unthinkable circumstances - circumstances that derail our carefully thought-out plans for our future." Wednesday night our group of 12 divided into 2 groups to share what our personal unthinkable circumstances were. In my group I was amazed at the diversity of situations. We had home foreclosure with loss of many of their personal possessions in the house, inability to bear a child, death of a husband and soon after a 19 year old son, divorce, job loss, moving across the country to a strange place and one quiet woman who said, "I'm not comfortable sharing my situation yet. It's not quite over..."  I just wanted to hug her with all my might. If that's you - something is happening but you'd rather not talk about it yet. That's okay. Walk along with us and if you are ever ready, speak up but don't feel obligated to share your personal story. Be strengthened by understanding that there are people all around you with questions about what is going on in their life.

Every woman there had tried to figure out "why" there situation was happening. They told of their "wild youth" or not taking their child to church while he was growing up or that they were always trying to "fix" things - everything, long before the "unthinkable" happened. I think it's important that we recognize these thoughts. I would encourage you to write them down in your journal. If you are not journaling your way through this season I would encourage that you start. It helped me sort things out when I wrote it down, plus I've learned so much by being able to go back and see where we were and where we are now. After you have written down your thoughts about how you got where you are ask the Lord and a friend if you are willing to help you see what part of those thoughts are lies.  See Satan likes to make us believe everything is our fault. It's just not true. Believing lies makes everything worse.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." (The Message)  I can just hear some of you right now, "yeah right. That's a "PollyAnna" type mentality. I'm really hurting and confused here."  If you are, that's ok. We are all at different places in our walk. At this point, I just am praying that you will take the time to recognize that you are being attacked and it STINKS! In amongst that attack are firey darts of lies from the devil. We need the truth to help us navigate through this tough season.

Will you join us on this journey? Leave a comment letting us know that you are in or have been through an "unthinkable circumstance."  Share as much or as little as you'd like. You do not even have to leave your name. If someone you know came to mind when you read this encourage them to join us on Fridays. Read Carol's book, "When I Lay My Isaac Down" and let us know what you hear when you listen for God's voice in your life.

Changing It Up - From the Outside or Inside?

I'm reading a book (well actually I'm reading several books) that uses the term "consumerism culture".  I've thought about our desire to have more, be more, look a certain way at times. I've had a few discussions but then easily move on and just keep shopping, moving piles of belongings and occasionally sorting things our to sell or share with others.  This book is actually making me think about how consumerism effects us beyond our piles of stuff.  Today I read this "Through the influence of our consumer culture we've come to believe that transformation is attained through external experiences." (Skye Jethani, The Divine Commodity)   That made me think about "changing it up" as I talked about yesterday.  I talked about my knowing that if I keep "doing" the same things the same way I will get the same result.  Each time I start over on something I think this time I'll...but if my thoughts never settle into a commitment, a resolution it just won't happen.  I want the ache in my neck to go away so I go to a chiropractor. He does an adjustment and I want it to be gone, no exercises or applying heat/ice etc, just gone. (and immediate relief would be great, thank you very much)  However, the truth is the only way to get lasting relief is to participate in my own care. I need to stretch my muscles, then strengthen them so that they won't allow my spine to get out of alignment as easily.

The same is true in our spiritual life.  In this day and age there is information at every turn. We want to listen and read what others say about God to fill our own spirits.  We go to church and want to experience some encouragement.  Now don't get me wrong these things are good things and should be a part of our life.  But that's it, they should just be a part of our life.  If I am dependent on my Sunday Morning (or whenever) church time for my main source of nourishment I'm going to be weak before the next Sunday rolls around. When we are weak and tired we make poor decisions and often become sick. But, if I go to church as just one part of my nourishment, say a protein drink, my daily meals will keep me going and Sunday church will give me a boost!  An added benefit too is that we won't be so needy and critical of the church service itself. If it is just supplement to our diet a taste we don't like one week won't send us looking for another place to worship. We will be full enough to sustain until the next time when the flavor might be different.

Consumerism culture, wanting something out of everything.  How has it effected your life?