A Couple of Keys to Communication

As I continue to ponder and experienced the quagmire of communication both at home and at work there are a couple of truths that have risen to the top of the heap for me.

1.  You've got to do it. You can't avoid it forever. You can't always eat in front of the TV or have "work" to do right up until bedtime.  Texting I love you won't cut it as the only "communication" 2 or more days in a row.  You need to take time to talk to those in your immediate family (the ones who live in your home) daily.  It's best if this can be done before you are half asleep and not while you are "zipping" through your favorite show via the wonders of DVR.  A really "novel" idea would be to eat supper together and talk about your day! Or Gary and Barb Rosberg of America's Family Coaches call it "Two Chair Time". You set aside 20 minutes to talk without phones or the TV or the kids. Touch base on what's going on and then go on with your day. (I can hear you saying I don't have 20 minutes to spare. You'd be surprised how much time you save if you actually talk and know what's going on  around you and what is on the calendar before it actually happens!)

2. Here's the other thing. We need to really listen to one another. My husband and I have a bad habit of jumping in on each others thoughts. Sometimes we're right - we know where they are going. But lots of times we just think we know what they are trying to say.  When you are the listener that is your entire job - listening.(period) Don't jump ahead to the "solution" or to your own defense, just listen. It sounds so simple as I write it here. However real life proves differently. Often we listen with our own agenda. I'll listen to him because then he'll have to listen to me. Or  I listen for a minute and then I'm mentally preparing my rebuttal and I miss all the rest of what he said. Really listening is harder than it sounds. I'm convinced it's caused by a couple of things: we are always looking out for ourselves and we're in too big of a hurry.

So today let's try to really listen to the people around us.  Seriously spend one day actively listening to the people in your world. Listen to understand what they are saying. If you don't understand then ask questions until you do! I'd love to hear your thoughts after you have had a day of listening. Share them with us and encourage someone else to give it a try!

Communication - The Name of the Game

Communication really is "the name of the game."  You can't have a relationship with anyone if you don't communicate. I'm a little afraid of what cell phones and texting is doing to our ability to communicate. We are living in a world that expects everything instantly and conveniently.  If I want to tell you something I can e-mail it or text so as not to "interrupt" your day but not forget to tell you. However there is no real discussion. No seeing the other persons body language or hear the inflection in their voice. We can't see or hear those extra pieces of your communication that sometimes say way more than your words do.

You would think that after 30 years of marriage we would have communication figured out between the two of us. But this weekend we proved again that communication is something you just have to keep working at.  If you put your arms out in front of you. Imagine your hands as communication arrows. Now bend your arms at the elbow so your hands cross over one on top of the other one, but your arms do not touch each other. Now you have our scenario Saturday. One hand of communication is me and one is my husband.  We both talked and we both listened but we didn't "communicate."  We didn't really listen beyond the surface.  We certainly did not ask questions to clarify what the other was really meaning. We just assumed.  Plans got messed up and we were both frustrated and a little hurt.
AFTER the plans for the day were done (not in their original form) we talked. Late is better than not talking at all. It was really a very simple mis-understaning but we had to listen to one another setting our own agenda aside while the other person was talking.  I had to ask him what he really wanted to do and why versus just assuming I understood.  I also needed to let him know when he says things to me I really do listen and I make plans around what he tells me he is working on or wants to do. That means if he changes his mind or something comes up he needs to let me know that as well.

We (my husband and I) have the awesome privilege of having parents who have both been married 40 years, having been married 30 years ourselves, being in a small group of married couples who purposefully study marriage relationship stuff  and working with Marriage Matters which gives us opportunities to meet many other married couples. So as I said earlier you would think we should have this communication thing down pat, but we don't. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship, any relationship. You should never quit working on it. Do you struggle with good communication? What are some things that have helped you have clear communication?

Peace in Hard Times

I just haven't been able to shake thinking about my friend who told her story. A few years ago she lost her house to foreclosure. Neither she nor her husband understood the whole process and during this time one of their daughters got married. Obviously she had a lot to think about.  She said they moved out but were not able to do a full move all at once.  One day she came back with her car to get another load of their possessions and everything was gone!  Everything. The house had been sold and the new owners thought what was left had been "dumped" so they had it hauled away as trash. My friend commented that her husband was a guy who kept everything and that the garage was full when they last left.  So there are "things" from their life that are just plain gone. (period) No getting them back.  What a shock/loss! However, she said she is currently living in a place roughly a third of the size of that house and has never been more peace-filled. Her countenance backs up that statement.

I thought of her as I read something van Gogh said when referring to a painful season of his life, "As molting time - when they change their feathers - is for birds, so adversity or misfortune is the difficult time for us human beings.  One can stay in it - in that time of molting - one can also emerge renewed." Suffering is not abnormal. It is not to be avoided in this life. It is an aspect of God's grace to be accepted. To sacrifice your immediate desire is often how to fulfill your ultimate desire. Jesus endured the suffering of the cross because His ultimate goal was to obey His Father and save us from our sins, which brings Him great joy.

For me in a much less dramatic part of my life, choosing to go exercise when I'd really rather be reading or watching a movie is a minor "sacrifice" of my immediate comfort/pleasure for a long term health that I desire to have.  My friend chose to focus on what is long term important in her life rather than on the tangible things she lost. She has learned that God truly is her provider and she doesn't need as many "things" as she thought in order to be happy. God teaches us to give up things with only a "little" value to gain things of eternal value. We learn this through the pain of "trials" - things we don't choose but they happen and "discipline", things we do choose.

Dallas Willard writes: "It is absolutely essential to our growth into the "mind" of Jesus that we accept the "trials" of ordinary existence as the place where we are to experience and find the reign of God-with-us as actual reality. We are not to try to get in a position to avoid trials. And we are not to "catastrophize" and declare the "end of the world" when things happen." (emphasis mine)

When I relax and realize that God is walking with me through my circumstance I begin to watch for what He wants me to experience and learn.  The hurt doesn't necessarily go completely away but I will say the sting is much less. I know God loves me and ultimately if I will cooperate with Him I will come out of this season of hurt stronger.  What about you? Have you experienced this or are you experiencing this now? Are you in the midst of a season that you just can't "settle" with? Tell us, but more importantly tell God. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Unthinkable Circumstances

Elisa Morgan says, "There are moments when God makes utter and complete sense to us, and then suddenly life changes and he seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith...."(Lord), give us eyes to see your coming and going ears to hear your voice and your silence, hands to hold your presence and your absence, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons." It's those times of change, especially the ones that you weren't expecting that we are going to talk about on Fridays for the next 8 or 9 weeks.  There is a group of about a dozen women meeting on Wednesday nights in West Des Moines, Iowa to learn whatever truths we can glean together.  If you live in the area and would like to join us you are more than welcome. Leave me a comment and I'll get you the details. However there were a few women who couldn't come at that time so we are going to "blog study" together and we are inviting you to join us.

Carol Kent wrote a book called "When I Lay my Isaac Down" (our discussion book) in which she uses the term "unthinkable circumstances - circumstances that derail our carefully thought-out plans for our future." Wednesday night our group of 12 divided into 2 groups to share what our personal unthinkable circumstances were. In my group I was amazed at the diversity of situations. We had home foreclosure with loss of many of their personal possessions in the house, inability to bear a child, death of a husband and soon after a 19 year old son, divorce, job loss, moving across the country to a strange place and one quiet woman who said, "I'm not comfortable sharing my situation yet. It's not quite over..."  I just wanted to hug her with all my might. If that's you - something is happening but you'd rather not talk about it yet. That's okay. Walk along with us and if you are ever ready, speak up but don't feel obligated to share your personal story. Be strengthened by understanding that there are people all around you with questions about what is going on in their life.

Every woman there had tried to figure out "why" there situation was happening. They told of their "wild youth" or not taking their child to church while he was growing up or that they were always trying to "fix" things - everything, long before the "unthinkable" happened. I think it's important that we recognize these thoughts. I would encourage you to write them down in your journal. If you are not journaling your way through this season I would encourage that you start. It helped me sort things out when I wrote it down, plus I've learned so much by being able to go back and see where we were and where we are now. After you have written down your thoughts about how you got where you are ask the Lord and a friend if you are willing to help you see what part of those thoughts are lies.  See Satan likes to make us believe everything is our fault. It's just not true. Believing lies makes everything worse.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." (The Message)  I can just hear some of you right now, "yeah right. That's a "PollyAnna" type mentality. I'm really hurting and confused here."  If you are, that's ok. We are all at different places in our walk. At this point, I just am praying that you will take the time to recognize that you are being attacked and it STINKS! In amongst that attack are firey darts of lies from the devil. We need the truth to help us navigate through this tough season.

Will you join us on this journey? Leave a comment letting us know that you are in or have been through an "unthinkable circumstance."  Share as much or as little as you'd like. You do not even have to leave your name. If someone you know came to mind when you read this encourage them to join us on Fridays. Read Carol's book, "When I Lay My Isaac Down" and let us know what you hear when you listen for God's voice in your life.

What are You Asking for?

I'm reading a book by an acquaintance of mine, Skye Jethani.  In it he tells a story of he and his father walking down the streets of New Delhi with a skinny,young, handicapped boy with "huge calluses on his knees" from waddling on them staying just ahead of them in their line of sight. He was dressed only in "tattered blue shorts." He was shouting "one rupee, please! One rupee!" Skye says that he and his father kept walking ignoring the boys shouts but finally his father realized the boy wasn't going to give up so he stopped. He looked the boy in the eye and asked him, "what do you want?" "One rupee, sir," the boy answered while bowing his head. Skye's father replied "How about I give you five rupees?" Do you know what the boys response was? Not one of immediate joy and thanksgiving. Instead he became immediately defiant. "He retracted his hand and sneered at us. He thought my father was joking, having a laugh at his expense. After all, no one would willingly give five rupees." The boy actually started to leave! Skye's father reached into his pocket and rattled his coins. When the boy heard the coins he stopped and looked back. He approached the boy, gave him the coin and then Skye and his father proceeded on their way. A moment later the shouting started again. This time the boy was yelling, "Thank you! Thank you,sir! Bless you!  Then Skye wraps up this story with these stunning words; "This, I imagine, is how our God sees us - as miserable creatures in desperate need of his help. But rather than asking for what we truly need, rather than desiring what he is able and willing to give, we settle for lesser things. And when God graciously says "no" to our misled desires and instead offers us more, we reject him. We turn away, cursing him under our breath. We simply cannot imagine a God who would give five rupees when all we desire is one."  "The Divine Commodity"

My husband was a seminar teaching on worship leading a couple of weeks ago. As he was telling me about it one statement stuck in my mind. He said they were told "most of the people sitting in the audience WANT you to SUCCEED."  But speaking from experience that is not always what you feel. You focus on some time from the past that you failed in some way and embarrassed yourself. Or you see that "crabby face" in the audience and you are immediately frightened. 

God wants us to succeed. His Word says He has a plan for us to prosper. This doesn't necessarily refer to money and status but it does refer to our life and all the things that really count. Are you like the little boy, only focused on what you need for the next minute or two rather than looking to God who can care for you for your lifetime?

Wellness Wednesday - What Would Happen If...?

I had a very interesting conversation with a couple of friends on the patio of Panera Monday afternoon. It was a gorgeous fall day and we enjoyed ourselves immensely.  One person there was a new friend so we were attempting to get to know each other better through our conversation. It wasn't long into our time when I realized I was sitting with a "maven".  That's a word I learned when my husband and I read a book entitled "The Tipping Point".  A maven is a collector of information. He is interested in lots of things and collects information like a magnet collects metal. Amazing to me is the fact that they can pull these facts out when the appropriate topic comes up. 

We began to discuss health issues in our lives. As we attempted to share personal struggles and goals, he shared information. He knew names of people, places and things. He referred to things done or tried years ago. He nodded in agreement with things we said. All of these things were true and he was enthused and sincere about them.  He made me think of me. I'm a nurse. I know many facts about health. I witness on a nearly daily basis people dealing (or not dealing) with their health issues. I see the consequences.  It begs the question what would happen if we all implemented 2 or 3 of the "facts" that we already know.  Why don't we try it for a week, just one week, that's all I'm asking? Choose 2 or 3 things you already know, for example: 
you should drink at least 8 glasses of water daily
a meat portion is the size of the palm of your hand or a deck of cards
you need 7-8 hours of sleep on a regular basis (most nights)
desserts are a treat not a staple in your diet

The list could go on and on. Let me know what you choose to do for one week. Come on, join me! Who knows you might encourage someone else!

Prayer

I'm sure you pray for your spouse and family.  I know I do. Like today, I know that my daughter is out of town alone. So I'm praying for safety amongst other things. My daughter-in-law has been working a good "temp" job for months now.  She would like to be hired by the company. I'm praying God's will be done and of course mentioning that we think this seems like a good place to work for her. (smile) Over this past weekend while my husband was gone with a friend ministering to men in NW Iowa I prayed repeatedly for their obedience to God's promptings, for protection and peace and the list went on and on.But do you pray for your husband just because he is someone you love and care about? Do you thank God for him on a daily basis? Men, don't tune out here - we women would love you to be praying for us on a daily basis.

Years ago someone introduced me to Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife. This paperback book is tattered, torn and spilled on but most days of the week I pray for my husband using this as a prompt or a focus. There are 30 chapters - one for each day of the week, all of them ending with a prayer based on scripture.  I don't read the whole chapter any more but I do use the prayers to help me focus on different aspects of Mark's life instead of just asking for strength and healing of his aching knees every day!  This month a group of women agreed to pray for their husbands daily. It's not too late for you to join us. If you'd like some suggestions you can go to http://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/31-days-of-praying-for-your-husband/
There is a book for husbands regarding praying for your wife by the Omartians too. You are not off the hook guys!

I truly believe this is the single most healthy thing I have done for my marriage. If you read my last post you know that our life is as normal as yours. It has ups and downs and all the places in-between. However, as we learn to trust God with our lives He orchestrates them into a beautiful work of music. It's not just a song of unison but it is filled with wonderful harmonies. Pray for your spouse today and ask God to help you hear the music He is creating.